Hello. Gone but not forgotten. I guess that's it. For months (um, 7 of them), there is a lot that has been unsaid. So many things, that I have felt smushed by their weight. Like a pile of words have been clogging my throat, and in order for any to make it out all, I was going to have to barf up the whole load. So I've been avoiding. To say the least.
To say more, it began 2 days after my last post here. September the 11th. A Sunday morning. I was downtown teaching the first of a 3 part alignment series, and when I looked at my phone after class I realized that Chris had been blowing it up. That morning, our neighbor, after having a lovely morning walk with his wife and their 2 young children in which they visited with other neighbors and shared in the joy of the fine late summer day, dropped dead in his yard. He was freshly 40. There was, and continues to be, a lot to say about the loss of him. We knew him only a little, but enough to know that he would want our family to show up for his as best we possibly can and we have been working to live in to that.
Then there was the election. And out of a sense of optimism (denial? naivete?) I was really thinking that I had to just hold it together until November the 8th and then sanity would be restored and life could continue as normal. Uh, yeah. Not so as it turns out. So, that is when I really went dark. And, even though I couldn't see it for a few months, that is when I started to experience almost unrelenting chest pains. It wasn't until my family took a short vacation at the end of January and the pain let up as I settled down a bit that I realized that this was panic attack pain and not heart attack pain.
There is clearly a lot to say. I have an opinion. And I have a voice. And I think I have been coming to terms with the fact that how I feel and what I believe is political. But it has made me a little more quiet than I care to be as I grow into this new skin of mine. I have also been quiet here as I sort out my role as a resistance organizer in the state of Wisconsin.
Spring is here now though. And I feel the surge of creativity and inspiration welling up within me just as I always do this time of year. It is time for me, for all of us to plant the seeds of what we want to see take root this year, of what we want to become.
Other than struggling with my voice, things are very much the same as they ever were for us around here. Just more. I continue to joyfully homeschool my kids and hope that this year transitions me into more time at home with them and less out of the house teaching publicly. I am still teaching and practicing yoga consistently. And I continue to learn from and be shaped by both. I am still knitting a ton and nowhere near enough. Every day I feel more in love with yarn and color and like there isn't possibly enough time in the world for me to make everything I long to make. I am still studying herbal medicine and looking forward to growing and making more this year. I am still longing to welcome a third child into our family and am feeling closer to and more at peace with this than I have to date. Oh my god I've also been going to a local cross fit gym since last fall and have been LOVING it.
Life is full. And I am lucky. And I am mostly ok with my discontent. And my pain. And my fear. Just enough to keep on fighting the good fight and not burning the house down. If you made it this far, thanks for reading. I'll be back soon. Promise.
