In general, I do really put effort toward not mincing words, not telling only part truths, and not painting a more lovely picture than the one I am honestly living. I believe whole heartedly that honesty is our number one commodity, followed only shortly by trust. So, as of late, I have chosen to stay a bit concealed by virtue of absence rather than weave a not entirely true narrative. But, one cannot hide forever, nor would I really want to, so I am efforting toward a bit of rally and showing up as is, as imperfect, incomplete and unresolved as that may be.
I have been feeling mostly like dirt. The all consuming, debilitating variety of nausea and fatigue that generally dominates my airwaves has been more or less consistent and it has only been in the last week or so that I have started to perceive even the smallest glimmer of the inspiration of ideas that I have come to rely on as a foundational component of my identity. Nothing is more depressing to me than living life devoid of inspiration. And, in general, I find the diversity of muse available to me in my day to day, exceptional. To not be perceiving that is heartache.
I am still waiting for a blood work result. Which is perhaps taboo to even bring up, but again, discretion and silence, not my jam. And as much as I am trying to stay somewhat unattached until we have the results, who the hell am I kidding? I am attached. I both loathe and empathize with the part of myself that is holding space for disappointment and pain, and I am constantly aware that there is no limit to the shit-sandwiches any one person can be served up in a lifetime. And as much as I want to believe that we each deserve so much more than the pain, inequity, and injustice that life is full of, I am not naive enough to believe that just because we deserve a break that the break will ever actually arrive. Sorry to be such a downer. But I guess it is comforting to me to remember that I deserve no more ease in life than anyone else and that the only way to ever get there from here is through the inner work that frankly must be done as we traverse a world in which we each are wise to expect the unexpected. At least to a degree.
Also, I only have 1 pair of pants that fit. And they are not my best pair. I am in complete and utter denial that I should have to acquire different clothing to accommodate my growing midsection. And yet, I most likely had better take action soon. Ugh.
I have been practicing regularly. Not for long stretches of time, but 30-60 minutes generally. For the most part, it has not felt very good. I have felt short of breath, and awkward in my body. Disjointed, disembodied, or simply just sick. It was so long ago in my life of practice that I was pregnant, and everything about my body is so different. My practice has grown so much in the last decade especially and I am seeing the effects of that now, and in a different light, as parts begin to dissolve into this new temporary form. I pulled out Geeta Iyengar’s prenatal sequence this week. A bit earlier than I thought I might. I used it when both Maple and Eider were in my belly and it continues to work for me now it seems. It is peaceful. Powerful yet sattvic. I have used it in the past with pre-natal students and I think that it is so nice for the experienced practitioner. Who, as I have said before and most likely not for the last time, is more often than not, entirely underserved by pre-natal yoga as it is frequently served up and left almost entirely on their own to navigate their practice and their changing body unguided and unsupported. It is my belief, that this particular treatment of pregnant yogis goes a long way to reinforce the notion that there is no place, or at least a very small place in the world of intermediate or advanced asana for childbearing people, and by association for children or for parenting. I have been thinking about this so much as of late.
Anyhow, here is the practice that I have been enjoying. From Yoga: A Gem for Women by Geeta Iyengar.
Trikonasana, Parsvakonasana, Virabhadrasana 1, Ardha Chandrasana, Parsvottanasana: Intermediate stage, Parsvottanasana: Final Stage, Prasarita Padottanasana: Intermediate stage
Janu Sirsasana: Intermediate Stage, Baddha Konasana, Uppavista Konasana, Virasana, Supta Virasana, Parvatasana
Sirsasana, Parsva Sirsasana, Parvrttaikapada Sirsasana, Sarvangasana, Halasana: easy stage, Eka Pada Sarvangasana: easy stage, Urdhva Padmasana in Sarvangasana
Bharadvajasana: easy stage, Savasana