remote

I am reading a very enjoyable book right now. Slowly. So slowly. I would love to be reading it more, along with a modest stack of other reads on a variety of subjects. Fiction, of course and forever, homeschooling, yoga, business, and a few of the other topics that seem to be the blend in which I steep. Well rounded, that is for sure. But I’m not reading anywhere near as much as I would like, or writing nearly enough either for that matter. A lot of that is simply the season of life that I am in right now to be sure. But there is also the cumulative effect of a series of unanticipated events that have landed me in state of being that is certainly not my best. I am feeling quite unsettled, the ground of being that I generally am anchored if not within, but certainly close too, feels distorted at best and absent at worst.

The first little hit was just before the New Year, when I was contacted on 23&ME by a half-sister that I was unaware of. That apparently my entire family was unaware of. I have a creative family constellation, as many of us do, with 3 older half-sibs that I more or less grew up with and then 2 younger full siblings. The whole concept of “half” is just weird and never feels quite right, and yet that is how it is spelled out so I guess, there you go. In this way, I have always been an oldest as well as a middle, a bit of a bridge between 2 families. Needless to say, none of us were very surprised to learn of this older, seventh, sibling, and yet the news is still unsettling. Made more so, in my opinion, by the disappointing- but sadly not surprising- way in which my dad responded to this information.

I am not close to my dad by any means. Ironically, in some ways, as I am the kid for whom he was around probably the most during my childhood. But as an adult, I keep my distance, having learned that his ability to discredit my experience and distort my reality to suit his own are just a few of many qualities that one might say are that of a sociopath and well, I value my wellbeing over any relationship that I wish I had. I can hear my dad’s wife shouting- even as I type this- “Fake News!”, and well I guess that is simply too bad. May I be the one Abene who says it like it is without fear around what someone else thinks about me. Even though keeping up an image is perhaps the singular teaching I remember from my childhood with him.

Anyhow, I was disappointed in his response. I found it selfish, and insensitive, and… remote. But like I said, not surprising. Earlier the very same day that our “new sister” contacted me, I took a call from my dad and his wife (note! I spoke with them before I heard from her- I heard nothing from my dad since she contacted me, which as a mother is fucking horrifying. the first thing that I would do would be to check in with my kid to see how she was after receiving such big news. but that is not how my family plays. my dad instead spoke with another of my sister’s about trying to draw me out about the whole thing, see if I would tell him of my own accord. Draw me out!?!? Did you read that? What the actual fuck??? If any of you reading are a parent and are considering that drawing your kid out about something is going to be a better idea than being forthright and compassionate, then please, just go.) Anyhoooooow…. The phone call was as brief as ever and highlighted by her criticism of how honest and exposed my writing is in this space. Um, ok? If anyone reading in this space needs me to spell it out for them, then we are most likely not a good fit and I really do not mind if you move along now. She is theoretically related so I may not get so lucky there but one can hope. Because this space is about honesty. It is about authenticity. It is about vulnerability. It is about doing the good work of showing up in the fullness of your truth even when it is ugly, even when it is uncomfortable, even when it is difficult. Especially, when it is difficult. And I’ll tell you what, it is everything to me. The truth is the singular thing that I value above all else in all of my relationships but first and foremost with myself. It was hard won and I have no plans to get rid of it. It is difficult enough to maintain and stay in the light of to begin with let alone when the people around you are questioning your resolve and criticizing your intentions. Here is a hint- do not make those people your people.

Blegh. Enough of that. And all of that to say, I began the year feeling unsettled. And reminded of how remote my dad has always felt. Days later this feeling was highlighted by the very physical feeling of being remote when the boys and I broke down on a stretch of wild highway with zero cell reception and plummeting temps. It was scary, even in the face of all of our bravado in the moment. We were out there for about 2 hours, barely pulled off the road enough to feel safe, when the highway patrol finally arrived and gave us a ride home after radioing in a tow for our car. It was a bummer. But honestly, I am glad that I can check that off my list as it has been something I have been a little nervous about ever since we landed in this remote part of the world. And especially in old cars in the winter. It did stir me up a bit though. Left me feeling exposed and vulnerable in not particularly growth oriented ways. And in ways that have unfortunately become a theme for the month.

Back in the fullness of summer, when we were new to town and I was heavy and slow and ready to have a baby, we got connected with a local chiropractic office. It felt good to be prioritizing support and self-care, and honestly, has become a natural way in which I land in a new place. It is a value to me to know that there are professionals who are supporting my relationship and connection to myself and my wellness. I have enjoyed having someone check our spines from time to time and certainly assist me in navigating the days leading up to as well as following, Wilfred’s arrival. While it is not necessarily a knock my socks off experience, it has been steady and reliable and a good place to land.

Recently, when I was going over my credit card statement, I saw a charge at a local grocery store that I did not make. I contacted the store and they reviewed their surveillance videos and identified a woman that works at the desk at the chiropractic clinic. When the police called and she was brought in, she confessed to stealing my information and swore up and down that it was an isolated incident. I have been sitting with this for about a week and a half, now having just yesterday spoken to the chiropractor who owns the practice. Mind you, not the doctor that we ever saw for care. I finally called her back after reviewing messages she left for me multiple times in which I never heard an apology. Not only, is the woman who stole my information still employed there- fine, but that’s a freakin’ felony- she has requested she be able to contact me and apologize. I can only imagine that her desire is born out of a want for closure which in my opinion is absurd. Sometimes you don’t get to have closure. You get to have regret. And regret sucks. It’s painful and it’s ugly and it is in no way my job to alleviate this woman of hers. I owe her nothing. The whole thing is absurd to me. And so incredibly disappointing. I generally give folks the benefit of the doubt and trust them implicitly. Until they show me that I can’t, and, well, then I don’t. Forgiveness is one thing. Forgetting is quite another entirely.

At any rate this is an incredibly long post, one in which I am sure folks will be critical of. Wondering why I am sharing so much- or perhaps if I am simply using this space to vent. Either way, it’s my prerogative. But I would like to hope that this is serving a little bit more than that. If only to reveal part of what my current process is around a state of being that feels tattered and shaky. My nervous system is feeling raw and exposed and I am working through some feelings of betrayal that seem to run a little deeper than I was aware. Coupled with the particulars of my current life circumstances, I am feeling lonely and disconnected and often sad. And while there is something to be said for reporting back once I am through the muck and mire of this time, I am hoping that by sharing from in the thick of it that I may serve something of even greater importance. We don’t need to always just hear the “have faith I made it through the darkness and you can too!” tale of healing and recovery. Sometimes we need the “hey I’m hurting too and this shit sucks for real AND I see you” tale of survival and perseverance. I, and you, are not simply worthy once we have made it through the night and to the bright dawn of the other side. We are worthy now. When shit is ugly and it would be more comfortable to stuff it down and look away, but we don’t.

So, in the spirit of staying connected to my better angels, here are a few of the things I am doing to help me stay the course back to myself and feelings of trust and safety and hope and grace: I am scheduling my work and study time so that it doesn’t spill over into all hours of everything leaving me worn out and empty. I am resting more and eating regularly. At the guidance of my mentors I am reinstating the insulating practice of Abhyanga on a daily basis. I am on the hunt for a new therapist locally. And just as I am scheduling work, I am likewise scheduling play and enjoyment. Library story time with my littlest and more read aloud time with Eider. Walks up the road with Maple and through the woods with Chris. Reading and Writing and Knitting for my own pleasure. And time out of the house just me. Maybe I’ll take a yoga class and get right with myself on my mat at the instruction of someone else.

Thanks for reading this far if indeed you did. And please know, I see you. As you are is fine. Even in the messiness and complication of living a good life. No need to hide your hurt or your shame or your disappointment. I can take it.

xxx,m