I don’t want to jinx it, but this sunshine is really making me think that Spring is on her way. In spite of the several feet of snow that still sits on the hillside outside this window. But I feel it. Like a great shaking loose of all of the woes of winter, the next new becoming is on the horizon.
I don’t even know what happened to February. I think maybe I got the flu, or Eider had it, or we both did and were just trading it back and forth in an attempt to one-up each other for a few weeks. At any rate, the month passed like it was simultaneously full of nothing and deeply productive. A total paradox of time. Maybe it was that extra day. Or maybe it was the first Mercury Retrograde of the year. Whatever it was, it is hard to recall now, but I do know that the start of March has been an improvement on the start of February, and the start of February was an improvement on the start of January, and well, at this rate, I will for sure take it.
Time continues to mesmerize me with its signs and symbols. It’s such a construct in many regards and yet I seem to have fully drunk the Koolaid. Today, for instance, is Wilfred’s 7 month birthday. 7 months on the 7th. Kind of like a golden birthday of sorts according to my Aunt. At any rate, I just cannot get over how much I love having him here and am amazed at the fact that we have already known him for as long as we have while at the same time having known him forever and a day if that makes any sense at all. He fits into our funny family just right and it is such a wonder to watch him develop within the sweet embrace of all of these caregivers. What an absurdly lucky little fellow.
I have begun dipping my toe into some more of my regular, pre-baby-number-three activities and it is fun to feel both myself and also so new. The biggest thing that arises as I circle back to myself is simply noticing all of this freed up creative energy that had been consumed by the holding of space for the possibility of Wilfred. Turns out there was a lot of energy involved in holding the door open for him as long as I did. And as much as I really do love newborns, and babies, and little kids, and well shit, after that last go-round I think I even love pregnancy, we are all finally here now, no more babies for us. So just wow at how much work it was for all of those years just keeping space available for his potentiality. And now he’s here and even though I am tired and consumed by all of the tasks of the present, I can feel the surge of some other freed up energy and it has me a little bit giddy.
There were quite a few things, projects, pursuits, and the like, that I put off while I wondered if we’d have another kid. A part of myself was on hold, I kinda hate to say, and now it isn’t and well, that’s cool. So, what to do? I guess, in the words of my friend and mentor Rachel, it’s time to really lean into the me that I am becoming. And what is so cool about being older now, at least for me, is that I already have a pretty clear sense of who I am and where my interests and passions lie, so now it is just about devoting more presence in those directions. Feels good to know I can give myself to this next chapter and not be scared in the same way, and just not hold myself back out of fear of lost opportunity anymore. I dig it.
I’m not really sure what the point or the particular thrust is of this post. Just to say, I am glad spring is on its way, I can see the work that I have done up to this point- even that which took place in the darkness and the difficulty of winter and my early postpartum season- and it is wonderful to see that there really is something being born from those efforts, even if at the time they felt futile. I am happy to be mothering. I feel lucky to have the opportunity to keep growing in that space, parenting so many different ages now that I really have to stay present inside my self and with each of them and that challenge feels like such a gift and when my vision is clear is the very essence of my life’s dharma. I am happy to keep teaching and working with such inspiring and motivating people. I’m learning all of the time and have so much room to grow and maybe for the first time ever don’t feel so overwhelmed by the prospect of that.
So much more to say and share but I’ll leave it at that for now. Thanks for being here. It means so much to me. xxx,m
Savor is the name of the aim.