Eider lost interest in soccer this year. In many ways, it was the natural progression of things. Two full seasons off and the kind of multi-sport conundrum of over-lapping seasons and the subsequent picking and choosing. And even though I understood, I was still a little bit bummed. He began playing when he was four back in Mount Horeb and it always felt like something that was just his. None of us really had a huge connection or understanding for the game. Not really. And his autonomy and agency with the sport only grew once he was old enough to bike himself to the town fields for practice. He grew with the sport in natural and exciting ways, culminating in a full season on the club select team our last year living there.
And he seemed genuinely excited to play again this past fall. But once the season began it was evident right away that his heart wasn’t in it. I think he was happy for the activity but when the season ended he was relieved to be done. It is interesting with Eider. He is such a naturally enthusiastic person that it can often be difficult to tell how into something he actually is and how much is just him responding in ways he thinks he ought. And that’s the thing.
Eider was by far my easiest baby and small child. He was always sooooo content. So go with the flow. He is, after all, the baby that made me want 1000 more. His sister and brother are much more determined. They both seem to want to make shit happen and are hell bent on a struggle if that is what is required to get there. At least that is true for moo. It seems that Wilfred is following suit. And while that particular quatlity is a challenge to parent, it is pretty incredible when they grow older. Maple takes no shit and I have no concern over her ability and capacity to do exactly what she wants to do advocating for her interests along with her needs the whole while. She is a force. And it is super inspiring for me as her mama, but also a huge fucking relief honestly.
As Eider grows, I can see the shadow side of his contented disposition. He settles so easily for something that he may or may not want. Or he walks away from the difficulty. His contentment often has an expression of inertia and it is hard to tell what the heck the kid really wants. The rock and the hard place that we find ourselves in as his parents is that we do not, by any means, want him to lose the ease and content and radical acceptance that are hallmarks of who he is. Of course. But we would love to see a rise in some of the passion that makes us know he is proud of his efforts and that he is living the life he wants.
Sometimes, especially as Maple gets closer and closer to her departure from our family nest, it is hard to remember that Eider still has a whole bunch of his childhood left to live in our care. The years may seem short to me, and in many ways they certainly are, but for him, there is still so much time left to live the supported and protected, yet also unbound, life of a kid.
This came up for us recently when he tried out for 802 lacrosse. And even more so once he was offered a spot on the team. He hemmed and hawed. Saying first yes, and then no, and then yes again. To be fair, so much of this is because of a continued failing on the part of Chris and I to always want our kids to be their best and be clear and also exactly how we begin to descend into the realm of crazy sports parents. What we really want is to not make him do something he doesn’t want to do. But the trouble is that him wanting something is so much more relaxed and easy than how any of the rest of us want anything. We are generally each on some kind of mission or another. Like yes I LOVE THIS and OF COURSE I AM DOING THIS and YES YES YES. Whereas bear is more like, yeah it’s pretty cool and I think it will be fun. But he never seems to get very miopic and we interpret that as lack of interest or indifference. I don’t think it really is.
Eid is a big picture kid. He is the type of person that when picked on by another kid is gonna give them the benefit of the doubt, try to see things from their perspective, stand in their shoes to the best of his ability. It is amazing. In many ways it is part of what makes him just the most stunning person. He is fiery, don’t get me wrong. He is a red head after all. But he is mostly very patient, very accepting, very even-keeled. He is a joy to know and love and parent. And yet, I so want to know what he wants and do right by him in supporting him as he wants and needs, that I sometimes- ok often- lose sight.
Alright. I just drove Eider home from his weekly violin lesson. An hour, mid morning, every Thursday. And because I was mid-stream with this thought, I asked him: “Hey, you think you’re gonna still play violin when you are grown?” And from his very own mouth, I kid you not, he said: “I don’t know if I will or not. I am a very obedient breed. I do very well with someone just sitting me down and telling me what to do.” I cannot make this shit up. And kuddos to you if you picked up on his Bluey reference. He is nothing if not self-aware, this kid. It is pretty incredible really. He is leaps and bounds ahead of where I was in that department at like 24, and certainly not even comparable to twelve year old meg’s level of self-awareness, which was nil. Or something maybe even less than nil if that exists.
And so. I am trying to do better. Always. Do better at letting my kid live the childhood that is right for him, and not my projection of what might possibly be best. Do better at not being so hard on him or myself. Mostly myself honestly. I am gonna keep on trying to affirm and uplift his contented nature and also ask for greater clarity in the places where it is his to give. I can still answer some of the questions around certain decisions myself, and let him enjoy my holding of some of the reins for a while longer yet. I can still practice taking it slow with him and letting us both be spacious around who he is and what he wants and what the fabric of his remaining years at home are made up of.
I imagine it is apparent that these posts either come all in one fast fell swoop or in fits and starts over the course of a day or sometimes even a week. This is certainly the latter. At any rate. I just spent the last hour doing a workout in the basement with Eider. At the tail end of October I devised a challenge for our family called “the 50”. It is 50 push ups, 50 squats, 50 sit ups, 50 burpees, 50 times between the start date and the end of the year. With a carrot held out in front for $100 or something of equal value. Maple has done none, Chris some, me a bit more than that, and Eider in the obvious lead. It isn’t even close. And I think it is so perfect that it is unfolding this way. He is so obedient. I guess that is one way of saying it. Or loyal. Faithful. Steady. Ugh. I just really love him and all of the ways he continues to teach me about the values that I want to live into, the person I want to be, and the life I want to be living.
And yeah, he is going to do the 802 team next year. After all of us circled around the decision, convoluding it in various and unnecessary ways for days. Chris and I are practicing shifting our perspective around Eider’s desire to be “casual” in his approach to the opportunity and trying to really see that as the gift, even asset, that it most likely is. Maybe a little bit of calm in the midst of intensity. Maybe a little bit of contentment in a turbulent life.