dream

I am pretty much living my early childhood dreams these days. Not to mention my wooly baby knits dreams… I really do think that all of the ages are great, throughout childhood - and perhaps beyond (save 18-26). In many ways, it really does get better and better as personality and idiosyncrasy and intimacy unfold and deepen. Sure, some ages and stages are significantly harder and wildly more frustrating than others, but on the whole, I believe that we mostly all get better with age. And yet, zero to three is still my total wheelhouse, forever and for always.

I just love littles. I love newborns, I love babies, I love toddlers, I love little kids. Zero to three is all about wonder and discovery and curiosity. To me, there is no more clear expression of the magic of embodiment than these early years. And yes of course it is a lot. And in moments more exhausting than it feels like I can possibly bear. (however, I gotta say way less on this second go-round than it was when I was younger, which maybe just goes to show that, YES, we get better with age!) But there is nothing, in my experience that has offered me the lived and direct experience of embodied presence that hanging out with a small new person does. They have no other way. They are Here, Now. And this is it. And in those long and unending moments, I get to choose to be bored and impatient and daydream about everything I want my life to be. OR, I get to receive the lesson from my little charge and learn how to be here, and see with fresh eyes the splendor of the light or of the texture of the grasses, or feel for the first time the breeze on my big cheeks, and listen with new ears to the birdsong from up the hill. Every moment and every day I get to choose.

And I think perhaps because by some grace I have managed to center presence in our daily lives, it is accessible to my older kids too, and they choose to learn this great teaching from our little one as well. Not always, but often. In fact, I’d probably say, daily. They look on their baby brother with as much awe and wonder and joy as he looks on them and it is such an affirmation of the certainty that I felt that the age difference didn’t matter and if anything was this immense gift to all of us. The seeming distance between our kids gives Maple and Eider the opportunity to live in the light of fresh perspective, in the magic of new and raw discovery. And for two kids in the thick of the complexity and disillusionment of growing into young adulthood where everything is either all about the future or overly hung up on the past, I cannot imagine a greater gift. As much as I really try to keep the preaching over here super casual and somewhat open-ended, I gotta say… if you are feeding yourself a story about how you missed your window, or you’re too old, or the age gap is too big, or whatever your particular flavor of bullshit may be… set that story aside and follow your heart and tell that logically minded shit to shut the f up. Stay in the wonder a little while longer and keep the door open for that fresh new person to join you. If you know that’s what you want, stop second-guessing yourself and reshaping the narrative to make more sense and to please more people. That’s never going to really work.

Yeah ok, soapbox stint complete. Cuz I also need to remember the dream right now too. I have been thinking lately that I need to be wearing all of my hats all of the time and that is often leaving me only half here and that is exactly how I do not want to be. So I am reorienting myself to the dream that I am living that I longed for and that I crafted for myself. I do not want to miss a moment of it. And that is a hard ask when I feel worried that I am not getting the shit I need to be getting done, done. Nope nope nope. And while I am not interested in giving up any of the hats, I am way keener on letting them ebb and flow. I want to honor where I am at with a little more accuracy and be ok with setting something aside when it’s time. I want to be more like the moon. More like the tides. More like my own natural rhythms.

A few months ago one of my mentors presented me with the idea of designing my life to be in rhythm with my menses, and it has been slowly taking root in my awareness since. I have always been sensitive to my cycle, but this feels like taking it to a whole new level. Supporting me in honoring my own energy in a way that allows me to place my values and priorities and dreams at the very center. Giving when it is time to give but also taking when it is time for that. Doing and dreaming when my own energy dictates as opposed to overriding my system for the sake of “getting it done”. Maybe that is the very thing that is getting better with age. My ability to perceive the way in which my care for self is also an evolution, and again, I get to choose.

I am making these shifts. I have really been digging this podcast thanks to Rachel and may even enroll in a menstruation course to deepen my relationship even further. Who knows? If that feels spacious and supportive and like something that helps me continue to center my presence for and with me and my people, then, yes. If it is another tool in my kit for staying embodied and saying yes when my wooly little adventurer insists that the entire day be spent out of doors, then, well, of course.