thresh

This morning I took all of the kids down the hill to Montpelier. For some errands, but mostly for a moment all together before this summer is suddenly gone and I am wondering where it went and who I even am anymore. We made the trip because it has been too cold for the beach all week and also because we wanted to pick up a jumbo birthday gift for Maple and Eider to give to Wilfred while we are in Maine. It was his first time roaming around a bonafide toy store and it was excellent. The bigs won’t be here with us on his actual birthday next month, which I am seeing now may be a persistent reality and probably the downside to having a summer birthday, which is otherwise ideal in every way.

All week long I have been intermittently running around making sure Maple has what she needs for not 3 but 6 weeks on Islesford and gathering all of the necessaries for Eider’s 3 weeks at sleep away camp directly on the heels of 2 weeks in Maine. Oh yeah and getting all of Eider’s seventh-grade curricula together for the state of Vermont’s home study department to give a stamp of approval to before the end of the month. Not to mention but oh hey I will anyway Wilfred is still smack dab in the middle of a brutal sleep regression that is leaving me way too tired for any of it. I would love a moment to process our recent trip to Wisconsin - it was A LOT- and also a minute to sit with this massive transition into new territory that we are entering with the kids this summer. But I am facilitating a nap. And bedtime forever. And another nap. And trying to keep my cool. And wanting to cry. And wanting to rest. And wanting to just read a book or write or knit but no not yet. That is what Maine is for. Just. Gotta. Get. There.

If anything, Wisconsin revealed where each of us is in relation to our next becoming. Some of us are more through the process than others, and some of us squarely in the liminal expanses of the in-between. I am more clear in my role of helping the kids usher themselves through, and yet, I am still searching myself where best to land and who best to be in this new world that from every estimation I was rocketed toward sometime near the end of 2018. I think that Maple has landed solidly into her next iteration. She is clear and rooted and bright in a way that both inspires me and gives me hope. It wasn’t a smooth or albeit easy transition for her to be sure, but she is through it now and it is a relief but even more than that fuels some of the trust that I have felt a little lacking in lately in terms of resilience and rebound and personal/familial reclamation. Eider, I think is still looking for authentic purchase in his new terrain. He has been met with obstacles at most turns and even so is still in good spirits and a joy to know. But still, none of it has been easy and when I lay awake at night it is one of the things I stress over for sure.

I am in the mental/emotional fatigue and stress which I think maybe somewhat unique to folks with the big age gap constellation; exhausted in different and sometimes opposing ways in different parts of my body/mind and so unsure of what I even know to be true about an age or a stage or whatever. My sister texted me yesterday saying that her friend was looking for some tips or tricks to get her toddler to wear a mask, and saw Wilfs wearing one and was like: how did your sis get that to happen? And I was like: Dumb luck. Cuz like for real I can’t get toddlers (or tweens or teens) to do anything. Which feels so fucking true. Right now but maybe always too.

So, maybe this is a really hollow and winding public share but basically, this is where I process and that is what I am trying to do here and if for some crazy reason it helps you in any way then god bless.

Yah ok gave this a sit and moved my body cuz that’s how I do and… Oh! Wait! I can’t leave it on that note! And here is why: I for sure do not want to come off as “needing a break from...” Sure. I need a break. But really a break with. A break within. I am good at all of the self-care stuff. For real. I lean there easy enough and sometimes that is simply not enough. I need me with me and then I can be me with them. I need prayer and patience so that I can hang in the unknown and the uncertain and the unresolved with the grace that my family depends on. I have got this. And at the same time I am hungry for some clarity and some ease even when I know that eventually, it will follow. Even when I feel more ready than perhaps I am and the unfolding and the revelation are all happening at their own rate and in their own time and I am right here. Ready and tired and waiting and sad and excited and awestruck and all the rest. I am here.

(the name of this post, thresh, is inspired by a recent episode of This Jungian Life about thresholds. Check it out.)