Hopefully, this repeating trope of identity excavation, mixing, and parsing is interesting to you. It is what keeps on keeping on around these parts. Not a whole lot of variety I am afraid. But plenty of redundancy! Lots of learning the same lessons over and over for years! I guess that life, just like seasons, are on a loop- or maybe an expanding spiral- and I just keep circling back around for another, hopefully, deeper, look at the same ‘ol life lessons that I have always been given to digest and assimilate. And honestly, I am 100% here for it. I have had a good set of lessons thus far. No complaints.
ya know ya have a sweet yoga buddy when they have you stay in a pose far longer than you rather so they can take a pic for you. that’s love my dears!
I just called the school office for the 4th day in a row to let them know that Maple is still home sick. Michelle, who works at the front desk and who pretty sure runs the school (iykyk), picked up the phone and just said: Again?!? No aloha. Which feels fair; this cold she has had for the past week definitely feels like it has tipped over into the ridiculous. We finally got her into our (very New England) family practice MD yesterday and she was like: oh it hasn’t even been 10 days yet- check in with me if she is still feeling punk on Saturday and we’ll talk about antibiotics. Good lord.
We have been going to the doctor all of the time as of late, for one shot or another. Wilfred is playing catch up and the rest of us are stacking our boosters and flu shots. It has gotten so frequent that when we drive over to that side of town Freddy begins to cry and panic and shout: No Shots! He, of course, had to come with me when I brought moo in yesterday and he was in a full-on lather the whole time. It is not awesome and ya really can’t blame him, but fortunately, our doc knows who to blame when he is in there freaking out. Obviously me. This wouldn’t be happening if he had been on the proper schedule and yadda yadda yadda. To which I say well it’s a little late for that now (but while I am really thinking well maybe now is a great time to stop and try to play this stupid game of catch-up later).
So, naturally, Wilfred woke up this morning with double pink eye. Gross gross gross. And apparently a breastmilk-resistant strain. But I swear if I call the office and they tell me to bring him in again I am going to lose it. Please, just call in a prescription. Holy hell. It never ends.
Anyway… all of this is just a lead-up and preamble, basically warming up the words knocking around inside of me about this repetitive and ongoing consideration. If I haven’t grossed you out or otherwise offended you and you’re still here, thanks. I will try to walk a not-too-meandering path to my point. Not that I really have one. It is a rambler, after all. But ya know… intentions.
The big things that have been rattling around for me are, like I said, centered around identity. Which always involves a particular dose of reclamation and remembering. So it seems. I have been teaching regular yoga classes more in the past few months than I have since I moved here three and a half years ago and it continues to be of interest to me how much the act of putting a class together and taking the seat opens a door inside of myself to a space of connection, authenticity, and strength. An important part of me stands up inside of myself and lays claim. It takes a minute, but once I have weeded through all of the imposter feelings there is a familiarity and a humility that are very real and raw and right. I feel like me.
But it is tricky right? Cuz when we moved here, and I stepped away from public teaching and back into the mothering of a new little which also felt like stepping back into myself. I had missed that stage of parenting so deeply and it was super powerful to circle back around to it and integrate its lessons more completely. Now that my little is not quite as dependent as a tiny human- (ok he is still extra dependent and I am in no hurry to accelerate any age or stage, never ever never. but it is not like the beginning year or two which is a particular kind of parental endurance event. i think that is clear…) I have a squidge more time and energy to reintegrate my parts. It is very much a reckoning of Both/And. Which it always has been and always will be. Where I remember over and over and over again not to sacrifice the whole for any one part, and vice versa.
So. Teaching has been fun. Practicing continues to be fun. I am into it. Which seems so average and regular. This ongoing assumption I make about yoga being something that people are into if they are into and that’s just how it will always be. Which is false, obviously. I mean it is true for me and some other folks but I have to learn over and over again that being interested and engaged in the practice of yoga asana is quite often a phase or a stage for most people. Yeah, one that lasts a year or five or even ten but then fades to grey as another interest arises and takes its place. This is so fascinating to me. It is so not obvious in the sense that it is so not me. And yet. It's completely normal! Honestly. Even to be expected. And I actually don’t have an agenda around it, I just have to remember to be flexible with the reality of it. And not make any assumptions about someone who loved to practice last year having any interest in practicing today. Seems basic enough. But I have to remember. Ha!
When I first moved to the Madison area from Viroqua over a decade ago, my first order of business was to find out who I could practice with. What were folks doing and might we be a fit? And then my next order of business was to begin training folks to practice with me. Group practices are great for this. But they are also epically hard to build, especially if people have no context for practice in this way. Ya gotta build it. Often folks will be curious about group practice but very few folks stick with it. And there are a ton of factors that make it or break it that have nothing to do with yoga: schedules, work, school, childcare, finances, interest, all the things. Interest in the practice has to be big enough that you are willing to move a lot of shit around to make time for it. And even then, seasons come and seasons go. The progress of the early months or years fades and plateaus last way longer than any cycle of outward gain so naturally interest and commitment ebb. That is how it goes for everyone. Some folks remain through all of this, but a lot go. While this is both natural and to be expected, I always am surprised by the truth of it. That people come and people go.
Which is why the ones who stay become so dear. It is amazing all of those hours logged together on the mat through all of the years and decades. Even if I do not see someone for a stretch of years. I see them again and we pick it right back up. In life and in practice. And for sure the poses come and the poses go- they are not the point. It is the interest and the curiosity and the conversation that make the whole thing withstand the tests of time. It is solid gold and I want to know these people forever. I also know that god willing some of them I have yet to meet and I have yet to co-condition the muscles of long-term practice in relationship with. How cool is that?
All of this was stirred up for me in such big and beautiful and regular ways in a recent practice with a student turned friend turned co-mentor on a trip back to Wisconsin a few weeks ago. She started taking classes with me over 10 years ago when I first started teaching publicly in Madison and offering group practices there. She has stuck with it all this time and edified and claimed her own practice, continuing to train and study and expand into her own coaching practice. I seek her council when it comes to fitness and nutrition and the reciprocity of the relationship is both nourishing and inspiring. I am thrilled that she will be coming to Vermont in February to practice with Sam and me and the truly amazing cohort of folks beginning to coalesce for the retreat. It is so cool like that ya know? The relationship that began with a few points of contact and connection and then solidified into a shared love for a life of practice. I am thankful for and inspired by these relationships that dot the country and occupy my heart. There are a good amount of you out there- friends on the path. And I love you a lot.
It is the “what stays the same” conversation to be sure. If I were good at labeling posts you could probably search through the blog archives and find slews of these conversations around what stays steady underneath the changes inherent in living and loving and growing. I am interested in what is new for you. For sure. But I am enthralled by what it is that stays the same. What is abiding in your life? What has your attention and your heart time and time again through time and space and love and loss and the heartache of all of life’s lessons? That is what captivates me. I want to be steady with you in that way. With a consistent ground of being and dedication to what it is that scaffolds all of the other comings and goings of intrigue and hobby and phase and stage. That’s it. That’s a lot.
Anyhow. I think that is it for now. Thanks for being here and more soon.