Despite not being the most exciting mom this week to my littlest, I have to think that perhaps I am not doing all that shabby when I listen closely to some of his language. Like when I scrape my leg or bump an arm, a little: oh that will heal right up! Or when my appearance shifts cuz I tied my hair back or threw on a fresh sweatshirt for the first time in days, a small: You look amazing! It is these little phrases that make me think that perhaps my inner critic has been wrong about me and maybe I am actually doing OK at this whole raising good humans schtick.
I mean, I think they are good. Not perfect (thank gods) by any means but still far better than me. Also a relief. I am increasingly convinced that beyond any parenting ideology that I might yoke myself to, any definitive certainty in the sphere of modern parenting, is really just a fad or a flash in the pan and that the far more relevant items are my own decency, humanity, and willingness to repair in the places I inevitably damage. I recently heard Esther Perel interviewed on Dr. Becky Kennedy’s podcast Good Inside in which she mentioned her realization that parenting dogma seems to roll in ten-year trends. This rings so true for me having now navigated almost two full decades of trying my best as a parent and also being completely susceptible to what is hip within my communities at the moment. I had littles in the mid-aughts and I have a little in the 20s and “we” believe different things now than “we” did then. Let me assure you. And what we believe today is no more accurate than what we knew a decade ago, it is simply that our perspective has changed, as it will, again and again and again.
I am sitting up in my bed writing right now while Chris and Eid play with Freddy, much to his relief. I have not been a fun mum this first week back home, to his (mostly) quiet frustration. I did, however, just hear him say to Chris, clear as day: You are being a Butthead. Which is of course, perfect, and further proves whatever flimsy point I am efforting to make here. What we say matters, how we say it matters, and our capacity and willingness to own our missteps especially matters and in fact Chris just said: Yep. I said it! I am doing awesome as a dad! Lol. And he will self-correct or adjust, or he won’t. He will still be a good person but he will just have to make the choice about whether he is willing to have his kid repeat that to anyone else. I am pretty sure that I already know the answer to that.
Which is maybe something else worth saying here today. I have a very low tolerance for rude kids. Or fussy or picky kids. Maybe not at this young toddler age but not much older and I think it is time for them to have a growing sense of their impact in their environments. Wilfred is old enough to begin learning the significance and value of how he shows up in the world. I am never really disappointed in kids that act poorly in this way. But I am a little (or so) judgemental of their parents. And before any of y’all have a mindful parenting spaz I am by no means saying that your kid, and you for that matter, don’t have all the room in the world for your big and messy feelings around me. Today and forever. It’s not about that. It is about two big family values that have been central to our parenting despite whatever trend is of the moment. The first is that I want my kids to do their best to be as open to the world as possible. To say yes as much as they can until they find that a no is a better yes. And second is that we have always encouraged them in understanding that they are little ambassadors of our family, out in the world. When they show up, there is an aspect of all of us that is represented in them. In appearance to a certain and unavoidable degree, but really in their behavior in the form of their communication, their kindness, their honesty, their helpfulness, their humor, their engagement, and their manners. I want the world to see how incredible they are all on its own with not a word of excuse from me. Maybe I lost you there, but hopefully, I didn’t.
Ok. That got a little ranty but not my intent and certainly not my purpose. It was a tangent. The main thrust of which is simply that things change. Seasons come and seasons go. Philosophies trend and then are debunked. Just look at what is happening to yoga right now… something I hope to pull apart at length sooner or later. How we understand the world and its mechanisms changes, and hopefully grows, over time. This is natural right? So I think that what I am looking for inside of all of it, is: how am I showing up? Can I bend? Can I change? Can I repair in the places that I couldn’t see clearly and that in my lack of understanding, I damaged somehow? I think I am ok with most of the shifting that is to be expected in living life. I think it is all perhaps just a stream of collecting data from the mistakes I make and a willingness to say sorry for all of the ways I went about it before I knew better. In perpetuity. Over and over again. Back when I was being a butthead. Ten minutes ago.
That’s it for now. More soon about my big feelings about yoga past and present. But mostly present. Also, I swear I’ll send out a newsletter soon. Soon! And info on the Costa Rica retreat that I just wiped up will be available this week too! Miracle of miracles. Ok. Love yous.