Something that I am perpetually contemplating goes a lot like this: What does Life of Practice mean to me? What does it look like in my life, as it is, right now, today? How is it informing my choices, my thoughts, my actions, in the day to day? It has been especially interesting to be in consideration of- and relationship with- in these complicated and varied postpartum days. It is not an easy time, even in all of its grace and sweetness. It is exhausting, both physically and emotionally, and I often feel myself falling short in all domains. As a mama to my other babies, as a wife, as an educator, as a mentor, as my own woman. It is easy to take the bait of a whole lot of negative self talk and sink into the grief of my myriad short comings. I have to ask myself, minute to minute, to remember where my values sit and what practice really means to me. It is an on-going consideration, whether I am postpartum or not, and I should know myself well enough by now to see that I will always be looking to squeeze more out of life, as well as asking a little more of myself.
This is never ever to say that I am not also practicing perspective and forgiveness on the regular. Every breath in, every breath out. I am trying to remember. It is all part of what Life of Practice means to me. So in that vein, I am going to get real honest with my process, what life and healing look like for me right now. In my body, in my mind, in my mood.
While I was back in Wisconsin, I visited my mom’s PT and dry needler to get an in-depth PP assessment and to be pointed in the right direction for my own recovery. I walked away with a number of gems, most of which I had a hunch about, and a lot of clarity. I also weathered a super intense dry-needling treatment which simultaneously felt like the worst idea ever and exactly what I needed. I’ll be back there in the New Year for more if I can swing it. OK. So, you might want to skip this next bit if you aren’t a body nerd or are squeamish about talking about vaginas… Forewarned.
I do have a bit of a DR, but she said it was functional, so most likely from my pregnancies with Maple and Eider. I feel like I already knew that but it was nice to have a bit of a confirmation and also to affirm the Expecting and Empowered Guides that I began using mid-pregnancy and continue to use now (um, did I mention the PT I saw is one of the authors, ha!). I have a lot of crossbody imbalance that is super long-standing- again think Maple and Eider as little peanuts that I am lugging around with less bio-mechanical awareness than I have now. My chronic left-hip-right-shoulder weakness/tightness. Yep. That. She gave me some stuff to work on for that that feels right. And also diagnosed a tight/weak pelvic floor, especially on the left. Yeah that goes with the left hip. You will generally see that correlation. Sometimes our insides do match our outsides. I also think there may be some connection to when Wilfred got hung up on a little bit of my cervix during labor. Holy shit that was mind numbing pain and now is something that feels distinctly caught up in that left side feeling. I also have a slight bladder prolapse. Again, not surprising. I did have a hernia groin hernia for the second half of pregnancy- I can’t remember the exact words for it right now and don’t feel like looking it up. But, I think they go together in that way that a pelvic floor can be both tight and weak. In the words of the PT: Athletes generally have so much weakness in the front of the pelvic floor, combined with an overall tightness because they basically are just squeezing their buttholes all of the time and thinking that is the whole picture. Ha! She gave me some work. I’m doing it. She did recommend that I put a condom on a candlestick to help loosen up the left side of my vagina. I’m not doing that per se…
In Wisconsin I worked pretty much non-stop. Between teaching yoga and co-hosting a few Beautycounter events, the minutes were all full. And it was exhilarating. And it was a lot. And the morning that the boys and I were leaving to head home, I had the first full blown panic attack that I’ve had in 16 years. Also at my mom’s house, but I digress. Like I said: real talk. Why? I can speculate about a whole bunch of reasons why, being overextended and postpartum at the top of the list. But also, I think that my nervous system was more than a little triggered from the intensity of the dry needling the previous day. I also think that leaving the place where my work life is at it’s fullest currently, was provoking for me. What was I going back to? How am I doing my work at the level that I want to be when I am in Vermont? Am I a shitty mom for even wanting to be focusing on my work life so much right now? You see? It was a perfect storm of shit and all of my neurosis laid out in front of me.
Right about now you could be wondering how exactly this is a post in any way about mentoring, or even better, promoting upcoming mentoring opportunities with me? And honestly, I’m not 100% sure. I do know that it feels very important that as a mentor I stay honest and revealed. Even if my shade of authenticity is not exactly what I wish I were sharing. I want to hold space for myself and my process and my truth in the same way that I strive to for others. That is how I stay growth oriented. Even when it is hard. Especially when it is hard. I cry just about every day. I worry about not being enough every day. I worry that I am missing the mark in most aspects of my life. And yet I still am choosing to engage compassion and forgiveness for myself every day. I am endeavoring to give myself the same generosity of spirit that I find both inspiring, and significantly easier, to give to others.
Last month, one of my longtime students visited us here for a few days with his sister. I was reminded of how different Life of Practice can look at different chapters and seasons of life. This friend no longer even practices yoga. And what difference does that even make? The yoga was never the point. It was always just a tool. Engaging life long relationships of connectivity, honesty, accountability, integrity and unconditional support, are really at the heart of what interests me. I want to be a meaningful member of a community built around these qualities. I think that’s what we need. Lord knows it is what I need.
So, there you have it. A long ramble that maybe tries to address too many things at once. And yes, I still love yoga. Like, a lot. I love practicing it, I love teaching it, I love studying it. It has held my interest for 22 years and I do not see that changing any time soon. Not in this lifetime anyway. And I am still practicing. Almost daily. It looks a lot like a variation of an inversion practice that I have been doing for the better part of the last decade. And tell you what. It feels GOOD. It makes me feel like me. More than I do most of the rest of the day. So in those 20-40 minutes, I am sustained. I remember myself in a way that brings me back. Into the heart of who I want to be, how I want to live, the gratitude for all of this love and grace in my life. Even in the daily swings of postpartum. Even in the diversity of feelings.
me and my practice buddy.