I haven’t been writing much lately. All of the days bleed into each other and more often than not I am engaged in some feeble attempt to distract myself from my nerves and anxiety at the uncertainty of this stretch of months. My thoughts often feel jumbled and scattered and clear insight is not keeping regular company with me these days.
My days are enjoyable enough. Filled with many things that I am grateful for and love wholeheartedly. But they are all so much the same that even my connection to gratitude for this life slips and falters. My friends seem to echo a similar sentiment. We are ok. But fatigued. So fatigued. And as much as I am trying to be mindful in these well-worn choices that make up these repetitive days, I am also subject to my own subconscious habits and tendencies, however sabotaging or not that they may be.
I have been shifting things a bit over the last month or so. I have been taking a break from drinking, maybe forever, in an effort to be in more conscious choice with my regular behaviors and not just pour a glass of wine or crack a beer because that is what I do in the evening. I have also been shifting the time of day that I meditate each day in an effort to not let that opportunity slip away because of being inconveniently placed. I now wake up and hand Wilfred to Chris (or Chris hands coffee to me or some combination of the two) and then head back upstairs for a seated practice as opposed to trying to squeeze it in during a nap and feeling guilty that I am stealing my attention away from eider’s home education. I’ve also been making a point to nap both days of the weekend, which I sadly missed today, and now am feeling the deep fatigue of the day’s earlier decision.
One of the things that I am convinced would support me in cultivating more ease within each of these days would be to limit my time on Instagram. I have a timer set that keeps me at an hour or less in a 24 hour period, but even still. Opening the app has essentially become a tick that lives in my body and not in my mind or heart and after that unconscious choice is made I am immediately removed from any additional choice by the content that waits for me there. Things that seem relevant or important in some way and are really no different from the clouds moving across the sky.
I finally did delete the app this weekend, albeit somewhat reactively. I had posted a picture to my stories of Chris getting a flu shot with a little reference to not having gotten one before but deciding to this year, blah blah blah. I had done something similar a few weeks ago when Maple and Eider got theirs and it was no big whoop so I figured the same thing here. Not so much. Total shit storm of comments and questions, primarily along this line: Why are you deciding to get the flu shot this year?
OK. Before I continue, I just have to be clear that in general, I am not at my best right now. And I tend to think that the same is true for most of us. We are uncertain and scared, lonely, and tired. And many of us, in many different and yet interconnected ways, spend an unprecedented amount of time and energy right now terrified that we may soon be stripped of the agency and sovereignty we have over our own bodies. It’s a tough time. People are dying. And the upcoming presidential election feels like it has placed the very soul of our country on the line. I am trying to keep this in mind and do my best to lead with as much empathy and compassion as possible for both myself and everyone else.
Sooooo. Having gotten a little bit of space from my surprise at how bold people are in asking personal questions on social media, I will do my best to do what I have always endeavored to do. Answer honestly, authentically, and with what is hopefully an effective balance of boundaries and vulnerability.
My family does not usually get flu shots. In an average year, I choose to focus on building immunity through foods and herbs and fresh air and activity and rest. This year… not an average year. And while we are still doing all of the immune building work per usual, I do think that a global pandemic is reason enough to adjust our family’s flu shot perspective. It needs an update this year. It is about more than just us and our health and how fine or not we may or may not be if we get sick with the seasonal flu or with COVID. And part of this update is about a community contract that we feel is important all of the time, and right now more than ever. And if the flu shot helps more folks skip an extra bought of illness this year, then I am more than happy to participate in that effort. Seems best to be managing for one less illness if at all possible, especially considering that each sickness brings another into question.
Which somehow leads right into the next question, kind of a 2 parter: Will you have your family vaccinated if a COVID vaccine becomes available, and oh yeah, wtf anyway vaccines?!?! Mmmmkay.
So, first. Absofuckinglutely once there is a safe and well-tested vaccine available for COVID-19 we will all be getting vaccinated. And here is the deal. I am not anti-vaccine. I never have been really. I do choose to follow a delayed schedule for my kids, some shots I wait on longer than others, but for the most part, I eventually ask that they get them all. I will still wait a while before beginning Wilfred’s vaccines, and then we will begin on a spread out and delayed schedule. And this is exactly what I mean by updating perspective. Vaccines, and the culture around vaccines and parenting has changed radically in the 15 years that I have been a parent. Vaccinating was incredibly taboo and often discouraged in the community of our early parenting years. And not without what was at the time incredibly compelling information. Now, there is more transparency and accountability around ingredient lists than there was when Maple and Eider were new, there is also new science that has debunked and put certain concerns to bed. There is of course still an inherent risk associated with vaccines, but no more so than there is with most anything. And we must choose to weigh for ourselves the risk versus the reward, but I do believe that vaccines are one of the miracles of modern medicine and that we are living through a time that only affirms that.
But listen! I have had to update, and update yet again over the course of two decades, my perspective on this. I have had to research, and then research again, to make sure that my perspective holds water and is not antiquated and out of date. That is how it goes. And as far as I can tell, that is how this whole being human business goes as well. We have to repeatedly be updating our perspective in order to prevent getting stuck somewhere that doesn’t serve us or the community or the culture or the planet. And as much as this makes so much sense, I also know that change is hard, especially when it comes to our beliefs, and staying in a space of receptivity to the possibility of on-going change, in a world in which we are being asked to update our perspectives continually, is downright hard, and at times straight-up exhausting.
But y’all. This is what it means to be awake. This is what it means to live an examined life. This is what it means to debunk the status quo over and over and over again. And if the world we are living in currently is not evidence of this necessity, then good grief what is it going to take? It is time to update our perspectives. It is ok to change our position on things. It is ok to admit that we were wrong back when we didn’t have all of the information. And even if we don’t yet have it all because we probably never will but at least we have more and that means that our perspective deserves an update. And I’m not just talking about vaccines and the flu shot anymore now am I?
All of this and more got me to do what I have been moving in the direction of doing for months and just delete the gd app. Not permanently. No. I still occupy that space. Just right now I am trying some different boundaries and keeping things on my terms. I’ll drop in and then bust out. Leave a little baby, yoga, yarn, vermont, body oil, puppy love and then dash back out. We’ll see. Maybe that will be the update in balance and boundaries that I am needing. TBD.