I have written a lot in this space about identity and how many different identities often make up the whole of one person. I have thought, at length, about the ways in which certain aspects of ourselves can sometimes feel at odds with other parts and vice versa. About internal conflict, or the pull in one particular direction that can feel like it negates the longing of another part. It’s complicated. And I think, as we each try to know ourselves with greater and greater accuracy, it can quickly become infinite shades of grey as some parts want one thing and the next part wants the opposite.
I am not certain, but I don’t think I am here to talk about that tonight. I think I am here to talk about fundamental change. Or maybe evolution. And I am going to stop right there because I have been around long enough to know that sometimes the sense of deep identity change is more often a neglected aspect of self acting out as a means to be seen. It can be near impossible to tell the difference, especially when you are in the thick of it. And let me just be the millionth person to say, that we are all in the thick of it.
I am trying to pay attention and practice discernment. I really am. And either I am completely disconnected and deluding myself- possible- or something is shifting, more than per the seasons, and maybe even more than per COVID. But in all honesty, that seems like it could be really hard to gauge.
I think that I am in no way alone in this current soul searching. It seems like it may actually be weird for a great deal of personal considering to not be happening right now. But perhaps that is a little presumptive on my end… and really, I am not in any way qualified to speak too much to that.
For me, it has been an easy and slow shift. I like this, I don’t like that. My enjoyment of the outcome justifies my dislike of the many parts of the process. And so on. I have been getting clear on some things. And slowly, and with some trepidation, admitting others. Until sooner or later, a part of me that once felt robust and everlasting is atrophying and dropping away.
And this is what it looks like to me right now. Or, I suppose, what feels most true:
I do not enjoy teaching yoga online.
At least, I do not enjoy a single part of the process of making prerecorded content for online use. Not the planning, not the setting up, maybe a little bit the teaching- to maybe no one- not even remotely the editing and multi-day process of uploading, and not the formatting and relocating to a useable landing space. I basically hate all of it. Yep. Once again with feeling: I fucking hate teaching yoga online.
LOL.
I'm sorry. Are you still here?
Cuz that is not entirely true. Interestingly enough, I love taking online classes. Or maybe it is just the access to teachers that I have only been able to see after managing extensive logistical and travel over the last near two decades. I am eating it up. Practicing more, and with greater focus and curiosity than I have in years. And in many ways, it has felt so good to just stand firmly in the seat of the student after having occupied the one of the teacher for so long. I have always been a little tentative about that seat and myself, truth be told.
OK. And hold on a sec. Before I go any farther, let me just be clear that I love teaching. And I miss it. And when the chance arises again, and I sincerely hope that it does, to teach to rooms full of moving, breathing, living, human beings, I am going to do it. I am. But in the meantime, I am going to let some of that go more dormant for me so that I can feed the parts of myself that have my attention, that feel good, and that do not kick me into a spiral of resentment and self-loathing.
So, what does that look like? Well, first off, I love teaching with Sam Rice and Rachel Peters. I feel beyond grateful for my work with them. They inspire me, they keep me in check, and they help invite the best parts of myself to step forward. It is 100% my intention to keep a regular rhythm with steady and seasonal Practice Wellness Community programs throughout the year. (Now is as good a time as any, to say that our next program begins a week from tomorrow, Tuesday the 6th. It is a 6-week community-based practice program, complete with Live weekly calls, meditations, and practices. You can find information about Steady at hOMe and register here.)
Also, I am loving the work of my Beautycounter business. It is inspiring and also straightforward and chock-full of the business mentoring that my entrepreneurial spirit has been longing for for years. I love the people that I work with in that world and I love the way that I do not have to be very tech-savvy and I love the take it or leave it attitude that is sometimes so challenging for me to access in the yoga world. And it is collaborative. I think that is for real the key for me. Shit can feel really lonely right now and recording a class in my basement to quite possibly nobody is not doing that part of me any favors. I like to learn and I like to grow and I really enjoy the clear way that this little- not so little- biz is feeding that for me these days.
What else? I want to spend more time writing. And continuously on repeat presence myself over and over and over again with myself and with my people. That’s it. That’s what I want to do. My time is my currency and I want to use it wisely. And meaningfully.
What this means right now is that these are the places you will find me engaged: PWC for any live yoga teaching. On my mat as much as I can be with Christina and Darren. Chatting cleaner, safer skincare. Writing. Home Educating. Playing. Making. Exploring. Being.
But there aren’t any other programs coming from me any time soon. I will get the Mama’s LOP up once I am through the slog of content building. (I do really believe in this offering which is good news for me weathering the slog). I will possibly find some inspiration to bring other offerings into being, but it is more likely that I will work with Sam and Rachel to pull together our existing and future content into a living channel or other accessible venue. Most likely, Mentorship is on hold indefinitely. Going dormant until it feels like an authentic and inspiring offering again.
Wow, what a long-winded update. Per usual. Thanks for sticking with me. I really do look forward to connecting however we can. In the meantime, please be well. Take care of yourself. And when you find that to be more difficult, please reach out. And please, please, please, VOTE.
