Before having kids, I gave little to no thought at all to the type of parent I would be. I didn’t have any plan regarding how I would do anything. All I knew is that I wanted to have them at home if possible, and the rest I would figure out as I went. I had no plan around co-sleeping (or bed-sharing as we call it now), or extended nursing, or delayed vaccination, or how I would approach feeding them, or what screen time even was, or really and truly any of the rest of it. I definitely could not have predicted a lifetime of choosing to be home with them. It might be safest to say, that how I (we) parent chose me (us) versus the other way around. Nary a plan, save wanting babies.
But along the way, discoveries and their subsequent choices were made, philosophies and approaches embraced and then let go and then there was some sort of evolution that grew us into our particular style. For better or worse. (Mostly better, I hope. Fingers crossed.) And at some point I got clear around the value of doing the things I love, that bring me joy and fill me up, around our kiddos instead of waiting for them to be bigger or otherwise tended for me to get back to it. And yeah, compromises have to be made by everyone: maybe it is not my perfect practice environment, and maybe my kid has to wait or settle for my partial attention; holding space and getting the care I crave for myself while at the same time supporting a space in which they witness their parent prioritizing their own needs in healthy, honest, and loving ways.
It is a moving, and imperfect target to be sure. I have considered this regularly throughout the years and shared a great deal about in this space. Beginning all the way back here. It is maybe helpful to check out, especially during one of the cycles of feeling like the tending of them when they are small is prohibitive of the other things you rather be doing. That can be a miserable feeling, I know, to long for our kids to be bigger and more independent than they are so that we can get back to the parts of us that feel difficult to access when they are so very much on us and at us much of the day.
I get it. I really do. And while I 100% think parental sanity also depends on a predictable and reliable (as anything with children can possibly be) time away and on our own, what I am referencing here is the way in which we can condition ourselves and our families to hold space for each other’s interests and passions from early on. That training will go a long way to contextualize all of the sacrifices parents make for growing kids and their own curiosities and discoveries and whole-hearted interests. It becomes, in this way, something we hold space for together instead of a burden or imposition.
So, like that. A reminder to you and to me to do the things we love, the things that are calling out to us. However imperfectly the stars may be aligned in the present moment. And be easy with yourself. I will too. Their need will shift and lessen and fade as the years go, and when that happens, maybe you too, in all of your rediscovered autonomy, will long for the days of your small and funny children crawling all over your business,