I love it when we crawl into bed at the end of a long and busy day and Chris is my captive audience and I can spew everything that is weighing heavy on my mind in his direction. I finally have his attention, there are no other ears listening in, no more distracting daily tasks; it is perfect. It is also incredibly exhausting and unduly stressful for Chris when I unleash on him when he is really just gearing up for sleep, so over the years we have placed a few parameters on my “in-the-dark chats”. The biggest one is No Lists. Second sort of sub-rule is that these convos are always best paired with sex. But that is an obvious one. Attention is more relaxed and settled and spacious post-orgasm, ya know? There are other rules I am sure, like no nitpicking or nagging or late-night reminders that will keep him up at night. In other words: meg please do not offload what is weighing you down onto your spouse because the effect will be similar and that is not fair. Plus, it seems that in general there is only one thing that can keep me up all night long, and for Chris, there are a good deal more. This is the nature of a precarious work-life balance about which much more could be said, but that is not for now.
What keeps me up, and often what I find myself needing to touch base with him about before I sleep, are any issues around school/education and how best to continue to care for our kids once they are no longer in our house, which are basically the same topic imo. Just some light midnight fare. On Friday night, I really wanted to chat about both. Helps me settle into the weekend. First, I wanted to touch base on how the hell we plan on building a little cabin for Maple on our land asap. This has been a project that we have been spinning our wheels around for a while now, and really just because it requires money that we do not have. But we definitely need auxiliary living space. Freddy needs to move out of our room and into hers but she still needs her own space at home and I would love to see that space carry her forward through some years, or really as long as she likes. I want to do the same for Eider down the road too. It stresses me out to think about how the hell young people are supposed to pay to live. I cannot imagine honestly. And considering that I hope to live on this piece of land for the rest of my life, I think creating independent space for everyone here would really be ideal. Homes that are available to them if they need or want them. Options.
Blergh. So that. How are we gonna do it dude. What’s the plan???
And then I want to talk about school. I always want to talk about school. And here is what I have been thinking about recently. I find it hilarious that both Maple and Eider have been somewhat anti-homeschool as they have worked to integrate into public school. They both have pitched an argument for Wilfred going to school from the start. For Maple, it has died down a bit now and I think she has been in school long enough to appreciate everything that home education has afforded her. But as Eider is still in his first year of integrating and adjusting, he is, quite rationally, considering ways in which this could be an easier transition for him and not having to make it at all is the most obvious one.
Now I certainly do not speak for all homeschool families, at all. There are many factors besides homeschooling that affect who children are and how they interact in the world. The most primary being family culture. That trumps everything in my opinion. So much so that I cannot really say to what degree my children would be different if they had gone to school their whole lives. I guess at it. And I do think my guesses are reasonably informed and I stand by them. Even so. Chris’ and my upbringing and education also certainly affect how we have raised the kids, and is one of the strongest influences on family culture. And neither of us has been well integrated within any institutional structures as adults. Certainly not in our work lives and not in our personal pursuits either. We have been a little more fringe but also a little more chameleon than many homeschool families. In part because we are secular, and in part because we have had at least some financial means with which we have always prioritized our kids’ exposure and experience. Beyond cabin building that is for sure.
So anyway. What is extra interesting right now is the way in which Eider simultaneously pitches this argument for school from the start for Freddy while at the same time figuring out ways to get out of school as quickly as possible himself. A month or so ago his class visited the local tech center and Eid got really jazzed about the idea of moving over there after his freshman year and learning a trade. Which, first of all, I think is awesome and exciting, not to mention smart. I have no illusion about the empty promises of higher education and I think if that is what he wants to do, awesome. I just also know that he was so very much more passionate about academics before he began going to school. There are a lot of factors influencing that but I think that it is fair to say that he sees the way in which you have to wade through so much other bullshit in order to get to the subject in a school environment, and in his eyes right now that hardly seems worth it. I can understand that. I mean sweet lord, there was an open house at the high school this fall where Chris and I were able to go to all of Maple’s classes and chat with each of her teachers and after 90 minutes in the building we were both like holy shit get us out of here and I cannot imagine having to spend my days there. It’s a lot to handle. And it is arguably the most physically beautiful high school in the state!
Trades may or may not be his plan and honestly, all of it is a massive TBD. For now, he is so focused on sports and athleticism and seems to have a big curiosity about doing what it takes to keep the door to collegiate sports wide open for the time being. That would be a different path forward, at least for a while. I just find it immensely interesting that someone who has a strong and well-developed love of learning is interested in throwing in the towel because school kinda sucks. He by no means wants to return to homeschooling and I totally get that. There are so many compelling reasons for him to be out of the house and away from home during the day at this age and stage of his development. It is just often frustrating that there are not many (or any) options that are counter to conventional institutionalized education.
Which is why I needed to really chat with Chris on Friday night. Cuz I gotta keep my eyes on the ball. And while I am enjoying a break from homeschooling right now and have a few more years before I really need to buckle up and work the system for Freddy, I am still well aware of where the holes are. I recently had the opportunity to interview for a board position at a new place-based alternative K-5 that is starting up here in the fall. I am intrigued by the opportunity and I am truly happy to be in the conversation surrounding education in Lamoille County. However, I have zero intention of sending Freddy to school before seventh or eighth or maybe even ninth grade; depending on what is happening in this area by then. I don’t need a daycare situation for him and if that is off the table I see zero other reasons to send him off for the day, no matter how fancy the option is. I will do cool shit with him and help him to build meaningful relationships with other kids and adults. I am thrilled about it actually. It feels like such an exciting prospect to approach homeschooling him with so much more experience under my belt. Besides, there is so much cool shit happening for elementary-aged home-educated kids in this area. So much so that if you don’t need to send your kid to school for other reasons then I cannot understand why you would. Especially not for thousands of dollars every year. No, thank you. (And yet I fully get that homeschooling is not for everyone even if your lifestyle supports it! No shade! Parents’ needs matter too and if it is not for the parent then it is not for the kid.)
So, I cannot help but feel that considering alternative elementary education for elementary-aged kids is a redundant waste of time and energy, especially considering that you are most likely going to kick them off a cliff come middle school if some other options for those grades haven’t presented by then. And that is a rude fucking awakening to be sure. Keeping them out of the institution until high school is ideal because high school is a different gig and if you have good options where you live I actually think public high schools can be a fine place to navigate- baring the fact that your kid may be shot and killed by a gun… but I digress. The point here is that the big gap and the difficult thing to conceive of is an alternative middle school option, as evidenced by the massive implosion of The Mountain River School this winter. That gap is what I have my eyes on. What is the collective, out-of-the-home school option, for seventh and eighth graders? To offer them a more concentrated sense of community with their peers, time outside of the home, focused and passionate educators, and access to extracurricular opportunities that are funded, or at the very least included, and not out-of-pocket expenses. They need a bridge between the wild freedom of the early years of exploration and the more focused independence of high school. They still really need scaffolding in the middle grades, but in a way that builds their confidence and prepares them to be launched. They need a springboard, not a dark pit.
Not too much for a midnight chit-chat, right? So yep yep. Still in the education game. Big time. And truly lots more could be said and I hope to as time unfolds. About all of it really. I have a good view right now ya know? I can see a lot of the trajectory from this particular vantage. I imagine that will shift once Wilfred and I dive in. So feels like I should take advantage of the perspective of this space for now. I guess we will see what that means. Thanks for being here for the ramble. As ever. xxx