We have these little fiddlesticks that Chris got ages ago for the kids to have some indoor lacrosse play- oh yay- and lately, Wilfred has been quite engaged with cradling his little stick and scooping up a ball and just generally being the cutest little lacrosse player. This makes me smile because the very first thing that Chris and Eider did when I opened the email from our care provider back in Wisconsin at 12 weeks pregnant which informed us that he was a healthy baby boy, was to run into the other room and pick up the fiddlesticks and mess about with one another and chit chat about how tiny the baby’s first stick would be and how cute it would look in his crib with him. Of course, I imagine they would have been in the very same mind had we found out that he was a girl. I loved playing lacrosse as a kid and I still do and fingers crossed that Maple, who also enjoys flinging and catching lacrosse balls, will go out for the high school girls team this spring. I miss watching my kids in their sports so much. Have I mentioned?
This morning, I am significantly more sore than usual from my sport. Christina organized a few of former Yoga Champions- that’s a whole long post in and of itself and I am sure that there is plenty on this in the archives of this very blog- for a backbend practice yesterday. She used to attend classes with them in Austin and befriended them through good studentship and love of the practice. I have occasionally taken classes with them as well over the last 6 years or so, especially during my Bikram Yoga deep dive. Anyway, it was super fun to move in different ways and even when I run up against my own limitations I am so thankful to receive gentle support and guidance from “pros”. I have a good sense of what I want to work on and what I want to let work on me and that feels good. I have talked a lot about this, especially with Rachel and Sam and the PWC folks, but the importance and necessity of seeing and being seen is really not lost on me. I need a witness as much I need to witness. And I believe that the remoteness of everything has made everyone a little bit more themselves when sharing time together. Like any facade, perceived or not, is just dropped more quickly. I can see this even in the way that more folks are keeping their cameras on in the Zoom. A way of saying “I am here. This is what it is and I am here regardless. And I want to be seen.”
I have been feeling this sense of longing to be seen in particular lately in regards to my family of five. As Wilfred grows more and more into himself, both a part of us and entirely his own, I have been feeling such grief around not being seen as such by our family and friends. Not that they don’t see us. That is not what I mean so much but rather that they do not exactly know us as 5. Only a few folks have experienced us as who we are now that our littlest is here with us. And well, I guess it is really just more of my desire to be known as a means for knowing myself more deeply. And for people to really see and know this amazing little person that we share our days with and who is such a massive influence in our lives. I have a deep longing for the intimacy that comes from really being witnessed and known as we are now, in all of our mess, and complication, and joy, and wonder. In many ways I am nothing if not incredibly sentimental and I do a great deal of looking back as a way of looking forward and I guess I just really want that context for all of my people. Not just us 5. Even what I shared earlier in this post regarding lacrosse and yoga (forever) are an expression of that desire. The greater context of each of us through time and space. I want to know and be known. And, I miss you all so much. Even in the midst of a really surprising and lovely amount of present day enjoyment.
That’s it for now. In whatever way that is right and meaningful for you, let yourself be seen.