Y’all, I am nothing if not ambitious and inspired. Which quite ironically, I never really accessed in myself until I became a mama which, of course, is right around when I lost most, if not all, of my creative time. Hahaha, joke’s on me. Like, on repeat. But it appears I cannot have one without the other, procreating jump-started my creative drive and I would never trade any of that for anything. Yes, it would have been cool if I could have been more like Maple, finding so much time and space to create for my whole life leading up to 28, but I did not. Instead, I often napped. In a state of emotional overwhelm and anxiety for much of my 20s, I opted for a nap on the couch for vast expanses of time that retrospect has a real bone to pick about.
Now, I could use about 3 extra hours that somehow invert and unfold from the center of each day during which I can, as I so desire, get it all done and then some. But, alas. Instead of some incredible inversion phenomenon, I pick and choose and do my best which quite frankly often doesn’t feel good enough. Turns out that having a toddler and homeschooling a sixth-grader and trying to keep a household along with multiple self-employment channels is a whole lot to juggle. Thank god that Chris does the cooking. I am often feeling like any of these things is getting short-changed at any given time and often several at once.
There are some places that I could nab some extra time from, but those are less negotiable than one might think. For instance, I am enjoying getting to do a fuck ton of yoga right now and who knows how long that will last so I am taking advantage. To say the least. I also might be well served and not so often need an emergency nap if I wasn’t waking up 2+ times a night to nurse Wilfie. But I also know that night weaning leads to full-on weaning and well, he is my long-awaited and final baby and I am willing to give up the sleep to get the time with him in my arms. It’s not for everyone, but when I weigh it all out in my head I rather try to catch a nap during the day than prematurely end this chapter in our journey together.
So today, by 10:30 am, when we had already eaten- more than once- helped pops haul wood, walked up the hill with the dogs, read a bunch of our favorite books, and dressed each other up as skunks, it became clear that instead of getting some of my work done or diving into some home education pursuit with Eider or investing some time with my writing, that I too was going to lay down and close my eyes. Maybe for 20 minutes, but chances are for an hour and 20 and yeah, it was the latter for sure today. And it helped. I am still exhausted and honestly a little defeated. I keep feeling like I am falling short on everything I have set off to do and I don’t see there being any big shift in what that looks like any time soon.
And yet. And yet… my choice. When we walked up the hill this morning I saw a snowshoe hare, white all over with black-tipped ears. And the chickadees were singing. And tonight the moon is full and shining. And we are well and together and I really do mostly believe that I can do it all, but just not every day or maybe just not these days.
xxx,m
Big sis made this cutie play dough today while I was practicing and HE LOVES IT.