being seen

We have these little fiddlesticks that Chris got ages ago for the kids to have some indoor lacrosse play- oh yay- and lately, Wilfred has been quite engaged with cradling his little stick and scooping up a ball and just generally being the cutest little lacrosse player. This makes me smile because the very first thing that Chris and Eider did when I opened the email from our care provider back in Wisconsin at 12 weeks pregnant which informed us that he was a healthy baby boy, was to run into the other room and pick up the fiddlesticks and mess about with one another and chit chat about how tiny the baby’s first stick would be and how cute it would look in his crib with him. Of course, I imagine they would have been in the very same mind had we found out that he was a girl. I loved playing lacrosse as a kid and I still do and fingers crossed that Maple, who also enjoys flinging and catching lacrosse balls, will go out for the high school girls team this spring. I miss watching my kids in their sports so much. Have I mentioned?

This morning, I am significantly more sore than usual from my sport. Christina organized a few of former Yoga Champions- that’s a whole long post in and of itself and I am sure that there is plenty on this in the archives of this very blog- for a backbend practice yesterday. She used to attend classes with them in Austin and befriended them through good studentship and love of the practice. I have occasionally taken classes with them as well over the last 6 years or so, especially during my Bikram Yoga deep dive. Anyway, it was super fun to move in different ways and even when I run up against my own limitations I am so thankful to receive gentle support and guidance from “pros”. I have a good sense of what I want to work on and what I want to let work on me and that feels good. I have talked a lot about this, especially with Rachel and Sam and the PWC folks, but the importance and necessity of seeing and being seen is really not lost on me. I need a witness as much I need to witness. And I believe that the remoteness of everything has made everyone a little bit more themselves when sharing time together. Like any facade, perceived or not, is just dropped more quickly. I can see this even in the way that more folks are keeping their cameras on in the Zoom. A way of saying “I am here. This is what it is and I am here regardless. And I want to be seen.”

I have been feeling this sense of longing to be seen in particular lately in regards to my family of five. As Wilfred grows more and more into himself, both a part of us and entirely his own, I have been feeling such grief around not being seen as such by our family and friends. Not that they don’t see us. That is not what I mean so much but rather that they do not exactly know us as 5. Only a few folks have experienced us as who we are now that our littlest is here with us. And well, I guess it is really just more of my desire to be known as a means for knowing myself more deeply. And for people to really see and know this amazing little person that we share our days with and who is such a massive influence in our lives. I have a deep longing for the intimacy that comes from really being witnessed and known as we are now, in all of our mess, and complication, and joy, and wonder. In many ways I am nothing if not incredibly sentimental and I do a great deal of looking back as a way of looking forward and I guess I just really want that context for all of my people. Not just us 5. Even what I shared earlier in this post regarding lacrosse and yoga (forever) are an expression of that desire. The greater context of each of us through time and space. I want to know and be known. And, I miss you all so much. Even in the midst of a really surprising and lovely amount of present day enjoyment.

That’s it for now. In whatever way that is right and meaningful for you, let yourself be seen.

proximal

It wasn’t especially intentional, just the way things unfolded, but I stopped practicing asana around Wilfred right around the time he became mobile. I think it was more due to COVID and the sudden online access I had to my teachers on the regular and my need to not have my baby smash my laptop/lifeline to the world beyond Overlook Hill. But, out of my brightly lit bedroom and down into the basement I went. Practicing during a nap or with the support of Chris or one of the kids.

It has been marvelous. It has been the biggest boon to my physical practice to have all of this Live content in easy reach. Makes longer and more detailed practices more accessible than they would ever be otherwise with 3 kids and 3 dogs and all of the stuff of a full and active life. Ah yes, those silver linings. I am taking advantage of mine and trying to remain cognizant of it being a gift and a luxury and not a right.

However, in the past couple of weeks, I have been practicing rolling out my mat with WIlfie so that he can begin to learn to be comfortable and fluid with that time. I have been using Darren’s current offering, Yoga Trove, as the framework for our time together. It is just the right length, perfectly casual, with a little bit of seated practice and an opportunity to gently interact with the laptop now that he is no longer so much the smash.

It is really important to me that Wilfred get a sense of mom on her mat as a natural part of the day. One in which I am present and available but also engaged otherwise. I am not a fan of being a jungle gym for my kids while on my mat- at other times, absolutely- but practice time is distinct and requires a different sort of engagement. I really like the concept of proximal play zones when it comes to home practice with small children. We are together but also doing our own things, neither disrupting nor ignoring the other. It takes practice to get to this point and that is what Wilfs and I are working on now. I am being less precious about my practice- which I believe is really key when it comes to home practice in general and practicing around family in particular. And Wilfred gets to become comfortable with the time as something that happens regularly and in which he gets to do his own thing and let mama do hers.

After several days throughout the last week of this sort of practice, yesterday was our very best day yet. He let me do my thing, toddling over now and then for a kiss - a poochie pose as Eider used to call it- and only asking to nurse briefly on two occasions. Previously it had been devolving into nursing about midway to 2/3 the way through which is fine and to be expected. We have been practicing this way in the hour before his nap, and it is also hard sometimes to not want to plop down to nurse and snuggle when your mom appears to be laying on the floor. But yesterday he just needed to check-in and then went back to his play. During the brief pranayama and seated practice, he spent about half of that time quietly sitting on my lap which is more than I could ever hope for and feels like a continued affirmation of my belief that our children entrain to our energy and we are wise to make our energy worthy of that.

This feels so good, even if they are not my best efforts on my mat they really are serving something so much bigger than that. In a very similar way, that is how I feel about the times during the week that Maple or Eider are responsible for watching their brother while I practice. Sure it is absolutely wonderful for me to get a nice long and uninterrupted stretch in, it is marvelous, as I said above. But if that were the only gain to be had I would be far less likely to put the effort into making it so than I am with the added benefit that it is for my kids to have to show up for me and for each other. It is a gift that they have to care for our littlest while I care for myself. For me, sure. For them, especially.

These are my thoughts on home practice with littles right now. Different, but not separate. Like so many things. For some more of my thoughts on the subject check out this much older post.

As ever, thank you for reading.

xxx,m

a squee update...

Why not?

So if I manage not to accidentally delete this AND also post it today - that is a great big if right there - then that means that 15 years ago yesterday was Maple’s due date, which means of course that on Saturday she herself turns 15. Which, in the spirit of making the obvious obvious, means Chris and I have been somehow managing to do this parenting schtick for a good long while now. AND our very first baby, the baby of our 20s, is almost grown. Not quite, and there is still a good deal left to go and grow, but I think that we can all see it so readily now, in a way that you just can’t, not really, when they are small.

Anyway, Maple. After a treacherous semester at the Vermont Virtual Learning Center, after fighting like hell to complete an absurd amount of coursework and somehow pull off stellar grades, Maple has opted to go back to hybrid in-person learning at our local school. 9th grade y’all. It is actually kinda perfect. They are broken up into two different cohorts that both go to school 2 days in person. On Wednesdays, everyone is home and virtual so the school can be deep cleaned and they can see all of the kids that are in their class and not just their cohorts. Honestly, doesn’t that sound perfect? A three day school week? It is kind of what I have always wished for. And listen, I know that that seriously doesn’t work for all people, but for older middle and high school students sweet lord wouldn’t that be an incredible rhythm?

I think it is going to be great. If I don’t think about the COVID bit. (more about that maybe in a moment) I would be so thrilled if there were some massive educational overhaul and the school week wasn’t set up to reflect a workweek that may very well be irrelevant for our children. It certainly is for me and my family. And as far as I can tell, the 9-5 is evolving or devolving and has certainly never been something that we have had our sights set on, quite the contrary, and anyhow, I would love for there to be a public education option that was not 5 or even 4 days a week.

In fact, if this hybrid model is still happening in the fall, we will think long and hard about sending Eider to seventh grade at Peoples Academy. It could be ideal honestly. Especially if Earth Walk Village School is up and running again and he was able to attend both. That kid is such a champ but good grief this year has been shit for him. Like, nothing going for real. Mountain Biking was excellent and the long season was a gift but that feels forever ago now. Nordic skiing is only just now getting up and running after being waylaid for 5 weeks because of state mandates. He needs to go be around other kids. Ugh, and if I am honest I cannot even tell you how much I miss his activities. Especially violin. I have been fantasizing hard about when group classes can get up and running again. Even though it would mean going to Burlington for Suzuki or Montpelier for Orchestra. BUT I HAVE ANOTHER LITTLE STRING PLAYER COMING UP HERE SOON AND SO MAYBE IT IS TIME TO FOUND A NORTHERN VERMONT SUZUKI STRINGS PROGRAM I’M LOOKING AT YOU JESS ZEHNGUT. Yeah I know I have almost zero musical education and maybe this is a pipe dream but…

Mkay. Let’s see. What else? Wilfred is awesome. Duh. We are still navigating the 2 to 1 nap transition, yes it has taken like 4 months or forever but I think we might just be through and good grief thank god. Not an easy one. We are still nursing a ton and probably no end in sight because he is my last and babies and kids grow fast and I have enough time under my belt to know that it is odd hours of nursing and snuggling one moment to “mom you have ruined my life” the next. I think it is called perspective and our family constellation has gifted us loads of it and it is multi-directional and non-linear and bonkers awesome.

That is my people update. My work update is primarily just a massive wonder-struck gratitude love bomb. Practice Wellness Community is growing into itself in ways that are far bigger and deeper than even I could have hoped for. Co-creating with Rachel and Sam is one of the incredible boons of my life right now, and I hope, for a good long while to come. How magnificent to be cultivating a community rooted in truth and integrity and authenticity. It really feels like pushing into the very central territory of the next chapter of my life’s big work. And I am here for it. Big time. Beautycounter has been a big influence on where I stand in this other regard because in so many ways over the course of this last year, the clean beauty community supported me, and continues to support me as I find my voice as a leader.

And then one last thing and then I gotta cruise. COVID. Please y’all. Don’t let up. I think we each know a number of folks at this point - or maybe even you are one of them - that have gotten sick. As far as I can tell there have been huge spikes in cases after the Holidays, and even if it was forecast it doesn’t change the fact that people are dying and others are losing loved ones and it could really be, maybe even is, any of us. It is so hard to know what is what and we all want to trust one another and we should. But I think the best way to really do that, is by continuing to be cautious, stay home, stay distant in body but never in heart. It is more important than ever to keep our hearts open and as close as can be with one another. We have to feel it. We have to feel it. What an unimaginable tragedy it would be if not only did almost 2 million people die worldwide but if this moment in history were also the moment in which we finally and irrevocably severed our cultural capacity for empathy and compassion. So, please. Stay open. Stay safe. Both.

more soon. xxx

the mood

I just spent a nice chunk of the morning writing about what I learned in 2020 and what I have my sights and heart set on in 2021. But then, whoops, I deleted it. And instead of going back - THERE IS NO GOING BACK! - and efforting to recreate it, I am just going to drop a list of what more or less sums it up.

Cheers to you and yours. We made it. Here is to another cycle.

WORD: Pause

INTENTION: Nothing New Til 2022

CORE VALUES: Generosity, Kindness, Compassion

QUOTE: “No one can do the work for you, but you can’t do it alone.” Christina Sell

POEM:

do not be misled

into thinking

you should be doing more.

rest.

feed.

heal.

hold.

feel.

these are the seeds.

the beginning.

be gentle with it all.

- holy days from brave new mama

sex and cookies.

*the cookies bit is at the end of this post so no hard feelings if you need to skip the sex stuff to get right to the cookies. However, in the words of Dan Savage: Fuck First. Never really a bad idea. Especially for a tired and often over-extended middle-aged mama.

The last stretch of days around here has been mellow. Strikingly so considering that I generally consider most days around here to be pretty chill. And yet, there is even more to be had in that department it appears. As I shared in the last post, we have successfully taken much, if not all, of the pressure off of the Holiday stretch of days in this house by celebrating the Solstice and de-emphasizing everything else. Chris took Monday, and then Thursday and Friday off of work and now is entirely off until the 4th, and I have been mostly not working at all with just a few hours scheduled for myself to get some work-related tasks in here and there in the coming days. That is a big focus of mine for 2021: to just really hold to some more stable and meaningful boundaries between my work life and my home life. This takes discipline in general and it seems even more so when you work from home and even more still when you are driven and inspired by that work. Both Chris and I struggle with this on the regular.

My friend Liz, and also one of my longtime students Stephanie, both recently turned me on to Bullet Journal, and after my initial scoffing- which is my standard first response forever, sorry about it- I am diving headfirst into exploring all that this approach to scheduling and organizing and streamlining and tracking has to offer me in 2021. I have spent the last few days setting that up for myself and it has been surprisingly inspiring and motivating. As it turns out when you don’t get a new sister for Christmas- thanks 23&me- this stretch of days is a lot less overwhelming and can be incredibly grounding and relaxing and productive for sure.

Other than playing with the bujo, I have been doing much of the regular things. Knitting and reading and making shapes and getting outside in the freshly fallen- thank goodness!- snow. Oh yes, and I have been making copious amounts of cookies for the resident cookie monsters, which is all of them, and having more delicious sex with my husband than I have since before we got pregnant with Wilfs.

Listen, I am going to be one of the first to say that 2020 was really fucking hard on relationships. I have watched quite a few friends struggle in their partnerships in big and incredibly challenging ways. And in many ways, I have felt the mirror of that struggle played out in my own home. I came into the pandemic 6 months postpartum with flattened hormones that impact the dynamic of relationship as it is. Then to add a ton of stress and anxiety and fear into our own particular mix, was, well, a lot. Plus, let’s just be honest, the reality of longtime romantic relationship is its whole own thing. Without a global pandemic raging. There are so many layers to the relationship. So many different ways of relatating. So many roles we each play. So many responsibilities we both take on and dish out to one another. So many disappointments we are both responsible for. And so very many different chapters.

Nobody on this green earth rubs me wrong or drives me crazy the way that Chris Newlin does. He is the absolute worst. We have spent days, weeks, and sometimes even months, barely tolerating each other, and at times of heightened stress have often lacked the bandwidth to even begin to dig in to what our issues are. And we need therapy just like everyone else. Fortunately, we have also been through enough of the muck and have come up against enough shadow to know that there is something on the other side and that when we say we are in it for the long haul that it really and truly means something much more difficult and far less glamorous than baby meg or baby chris could even possibly begin to fathom.

But let’s get on with it and talk about sex. K? A little what’s what. Because that shit ebbs and flows and certainly evolves over time. And as much as I enjoy sex and am a big believer in the importance of a healthy sex life within an overall healthy lifestyle, I also know that it is most likely the least straightforward thing that we could possibly begin to wrap our heads around. It is super challenging to drop the hat of co-parent or roommate or business partner or helpmate and don the hat of lover. Plus, some of us crave sex to make connection while others of us want sex as a way of expressing our connection, and at other times that is all flipped around too. This is how it is in our house for sure. It is a real chicken or the egg situation and you better believe that when all I can see is my partner’s shortcomings, the last thing I want to do is get naked and close. And yet, I actually really believe in the power of a great orgasm and the wonder that a little casual sex can bestow on a mood or a perspective. However, I find that it becomes far more difficult to have casual, for-the-health-of-it, sex with the person that knows me best, sees me most clearly, and with whom I am most enmeshed. It is more than a little paradoxical for sure.

Because our lovemaking is incredibly casual. I feel (almost always) only loved and only seen and only free when Chris and I are alone together. (the times that I do not, I can guarantee that it has everything to do with something going on between my own ears and nothing at all to do with Chris.) Which is most certainly not how it has always been. When I was younger I thought of sex not so much as a healthy biological imperative, but more as a currency. For love, or for validation, or, in the early years of our marriage, for housework. It was something with which I had bargaining power. It took me a long time and a lot of growing up to see sex as first and foremost something that I do for myself. I needed to put aside everything that I had been raised to believe was true, by family and by culture, about relationships, and gender roles, and expectations. It has been a long road. But it is one that I have been walking - and processing at length - with the same one person, and well, that has landed me where I am today.

Which is a pretty lucky place I think. Not perfect by any stretch but really functional which is maybe even better. How incredible that after a year of mostly just spending time entirely proximal to one another, when we are afforded some real downtime, all we want to do is spend time together. I love love love stretches of unbroken time with Chris. I could do everything with him for whole chunks of days if life were built that way. After all of this time, he still continues to be my most favorite person and I will continue to put up with all of the ways he makes me absolutely bonkers and frustrated at his obvious ridiculousness. He is a work in progress. For sure. But so am I and that is what makes it work I think. Being seated in that. There is definite progress to be made and we are here for it. Alone and together both.

Case in point, this is so absurd, over the last couple of years, my foreplay with Chris is often to pick a fight. Just harass him about something or criticize something else. I am the worst. And he knows it. But it is as though there is this way that in order for us to come together I need to first see our differences and create a bit of a wedge. I push him away so that I can reach out and draw him near. And wonder of wonders, he just takes it cuz as much as he is the absolute worst, he is also the very very best. The more we cycle through life together the more I love him and I am so full of thanks that we continue to choose this life together. It has not been easy. It is not supposed to be. But good god is it ever beautiful.

This morning, while we were snuggling and reading to Wilfred together, I asked him- the little girl in me and for the hundred-thousandth time- if he loved me, and he said, so perfectly: yes, it is unfathomable. And that is it exactly. Unfathomable.

(And can I just say what a big difference days off and more rest makes? For like all the things? I love sex but I really love sleep and what it means for literally everything else in my life so I am just thankful for all of the ways Chris helps me get the sleep I need to and also how he always makes me the coffee and puts it right in my hand. Like I said, he is the best.)

Okay! Hurrah! How about those cookies? First, to say, I made 6 dozen cookies the day before Solstice and they were gone the day after. What??? So I made over 4 dozen more on Christmas Eve and I think there are 4 or 5 left today. Not for long, I imagine. Anyhow, I thought I’d share what I like and what we make every year without exception. I do like to try something new each year as well, but these are the ones that we always have.

First, is this Hamantaschen. Holy cow these are good. I got the recipe mixed up to begin with and made a different one but then happily circled back around to this one which is by far the very best. Worth the effort of the extra steps for sure. Who doesn’t love browned butter? And roasted hazelnuts? They are by no means a Christmas cookie and are rather something you find traditionally eaten during the Jewish festival of Purim, and that makes me like them even more. I make all of our cookies gluten-free and have found success with most cup for cup flours. These were, by far, my best ever effort with these particular cookies and it showed. They were great and I am tempted to make more before the week is up.

I also make this peppermint bark each year, usually to give as gifts. Based on the date of this recipe, it looks like I have been doing so for quite a while. Incredible. I haven’t actually gotten to it yet this year, but plan to this week with Eider. It is his favorite and often requested again in February for his birthday. I don’t know how many times I’ve made it but I continue to forget every single year that white chocolate chips never work and you have to really splurge for the finest white chocolate bars you can find. All of it is worth the trouble though. And candy canes work great in place of the wrapped circle mints I find.

Lastly, we always make my older sister’s Korova Chocolate cookies. She is an exceptional baker and indeed she gave me my very first real instruction in cooking in general and baking in particular. I have made them twice already in the last week and I wouldn’t be surprised if I pop another batch in the oven in the next couple of days. Such an easy and simple delight.

(Transcribed from a 15+-year-old index card. As it should be.)

Liz’s Korova Chocolate Cookies:

1 1/4 C flour. 1/4 C sugar. 1/3 C Cocoa. 1 stick plus 3 Tbs butter. 2/3 C brown sugar. 1/2 tsp sea salt. 1/2 tsp baking soda. 1 tsp vanilla. 5 oz bittersweet chocolate chunks.

Sift dry ingredients. Beat butter until soft. Add sugars and salt and vanilla. Beat. Slowly add flour. Just mix in chocolate chunks.

Turn dough onto floured surface. Divide in half. Roll into 1 1/2 inch logs. Wrap and chill.

preheat to 350*. Slice dough 1/2 inch thick. Bake for 12 minutes. Cool on cookie sheet.

longest night

A good number of years ago, my small family decided together that we are much more suited toward a celebration of Solstice than we are a celebration of Christmas, so we made the shift and re-shaped these stretch of days in ways that feel much more authentic to us and our particular values and beliefs. It was a relatively simple shift to make. As a kid, my family was hardly religious and the holidays felt a lot like anxiety, expectation, guilt, and disappointment and I definitely wanted to steer clear of that. Chris and I thought for a minute that we would celebrate Christmas with my family, but when we observed all of that pressure come down on our first toddler- whether we were the arbiters of that or if it was simply the residue of our own childhood discomfort- we decided to scrap what had been and make something new.

So, that is what we have done. I have gotten a few questions over the years regarding what that looks like for us and I figured I would share that here, as it is now. It has definitely taken a number of years to take shape in a way that feels both simple and true, but other than that brief moment yesterday when the vibe was derailed by the worry that Maple might flunk her freshman year of high school, the day was our best Solstice yet.

First, I want to share what the story is for us with gifts, as this is so often the preoccupation for many of us around this time of year, as much as we might wish it were otherwise. For me, I kind of look at it as a build-out and the gifts that we choose for one another are like the ground of our design. They sort of stir up our creative juices, but are by no means the central piece. For the most part, we each give one gift to each other, unless there was a big ask in which case we will gift it together. I try to make sure that I am making gifts myself as well as shopping small and local and handmade as much as possible. It is warm and cozy that way. We exchange and open gifts on the Solstice, sometimes we need to shift it by a day or two as work and school dictate, but this year we were on the proper day which in my opinion is always best. I want to note though, and be very clear, that on the 25th we open stockings. We make that day about the magic of the season, the wonder of elves, and tomtens, and the inexplicable, and that seems to work just fine for us. We all love story and myth and metaphor and if there is a magical and benevolent bearded gift giver to believe in, well then I am on board. Same with a bunny. Same with whatever fairy you want to throw at me. I am in. Even if it is completely irreligious and secular and especially if its origins are the pulse and shift of the earth and her seasons.

Ok. So that is that. What we do otherwise is just try to keep it simple. I enjoy making cookies and cakes and peppermint bark and we all love food and the special associations of some foods with some days and so we definitely emphasize food. But it is in no way rigid or dogmatic. Yesterday we ate nachos, lol. But I imagine over the next stretch of days we will see an upside-down cake and some ham and scalloped potatoes and salads with citrus and pomegranates and candied nuts and hard cheeses. We will make a fruit yogurt that we have been enjoying for years. I did suggest that we make chilaquiles for breakfast on the 25th this year and I am feeling particularly excited about that. Years ago, my friend Rachel Wolf who is also a long-time Solstice celebrator, shared with us the concept of “cookie plate” and we definitely live into that. It doesn’t work quite as well now as when the kids were all small and the idea of an unlimited amount of cookies to eat held real sway, but it still fun and special.

During the day we emphasize games and stories with one another. We are really into phase 10 right now and can’t stop, so that is fun. Other than the fact that they won’t let me knit while I play which is bullshit if you ask me. They say I am too slow with a project in my hands. Boo to that. In the evenings we try to make sure the kids are exposed to all of the right, and some of the wrong, holiday movies. That is a task, for sure. And on pause for a moment until Maple’s course work is complete… I am always on the lookout for seasonal books and stories to lean into during this season. We have quite a collection and I am happy to share more details but for the moment I am just going to mention a new book for us this year, A Return of the Light: Twelve Tales from Around the World for Winter Solstice by Carolyn McVickar Edwards. This is great for where we are as a family right now and is a wonderful addition to all the beloved books geared toward the younger crowd. Which by the way, I absolutely live for, but have a much harder time getting everyone to snuggle up with me for these days. Wilfred though! He is just getting started with all of these beautiful picture books and I am over the moon about that.

Other than all of this- not much! -the big thing is fire. Obviously.

We try to emphasize the flame in the dark as much as possible. In years past, we have gathered with our friends and community for a big potluck and village-wide Blazing Solstice Pyre. That is basically perfect for me. This year, we had to make our own, and Chris, who tends our forest with aplomb, seriously made that happen yesterday. I love a good, huge, fire and if not on Solstice, when??? I would love to see The Fire become something that we can host here for our future local community when gathering returns. Like the light. Returns.

I love to have lots of candles in the house during this time of year as well. In the past, we have gathered with another old Viroqua friend to make hand-dipped beeswax candles and that was the best. I think it probably began as something we did at the Holiday Faire at the local Waldorf School and then morphed into something we did at home. I love making candles. For a number of years I would make soy-based candles in thrifted teacups and that was super fun and I will probably do it again but beeswax is really my favorite for sure. This year, my friend Liz turned me on to The Foundry and that has been amazing. And horrible. Everything they have is perfect. Our family’s Solstice gift was a big beeswax pillar and beautiful hexagonal tapers and stands. Love love love. Big and exciting news is that Maple is interested in starting an apiary in 2021 from local bees here in Morrisville- once we get her tested for bee allergy, fingers freaking crossed on that. I would love to have our own beeswax. And honey. One of her gifts from the elf is The Beekeeper’s Bible which I look forward to diving into as well.

Alright well, I think that is the most of it. Hopefully, I will get my act together to get cards in the mail this week or next, and then it is on to the joys of January and some fresh yoga programming and other small business pursuits, new knits on needles, Maple’s 15th birthday omg omg omg, and some real hunkering down for the heart of winter in the north.

feeling it.

Often I hold the time to write out in front of myself like a present for the successful completion of any number of other tasks. It is my reward. As of late, there have been far too many of the other things to work through and I haven’t been finding myself here anywhere near this space as much as I’d like. It’s not a bad or a sad thing. All of the stuff standing in the way is, for the most part, by my design and choice and the result of my general enthusiasm and fire for being alive. I want to get it all in and then some.

For the last month or so all of the spaces in my days have been occupied by seasonal pursuits such as knitting hats and vests and gluing paper bag decorations and reading all of our favorite tomten and solstice books and getting out and into the snow when there is some. Today I have been baking all the dozens of cookies that I think will add the final pinch of winter cheer that we need for the longest night. Yesterday, we cut down a little tree and decorated the house and for the most part, I think that gifts are wrapped and everyone feels mostly satisfied. At least I do which probably counts for a lot.

One of the biggest ways that I spend my time is in reading aloud. Between reading books to Eider and now to Wilfred and sometimes to the whole crew, it is a giant piece of the pie in terms of how I spend my days. I probably read from anywhere to an hour to three hours a day out loud to my people. I am Reader. It should be in my bio. Anyhow, that is a lot and kind of a fantastic realization especially considering how the reading that I would love to do for just myself is, like writing, another thing that I dangle out in front of myself like a prize. And as much as I wish I read more for myself, I am so pleased to read all of what I do read and happy to share in the stories and the myths and the histories that are so very central to our family culture.

This consideration, of how I spend my time versus how I maybe wish I spent my time, has been a long and winding one for me for sure. I am working on shifting my perspective, with the help of Rachel Peters and all her wisdom, toward investing time instead of spending time. But it is a hard shift, most likely because presence is once again the task at hand.

It is such a game, you know? Wanting to be present with what is and also longing for something leagues and worlds and lifetimes away. Such inner conflict in that. I remember when Maple and Eider were small, and my uncle Slava shared his lament over his own relationship to the pull from when my cousins were little. He is an artist and my aunt was a pediatrician, now retired, and he stayed home with the kids while she worked. It was hard for him. And also wonderful. But he wanted to make art. And I imagine he wanted to do that uninterrupted and without taking all of the copious snack, activity, rest, and infinite other breaks that life with kids demands. But then, when he was reflecting back on that time, all he felt was the grief at having wished that time away- when their needs were so big and present and consuming- so that he could pursue his art. It’s so complicated. Even when you know how fleeting the time is, to not long for all of the other shit, besides parenting, that defines who you are and feeds your soul. I think for the most part I have been present with my kids. And yet I still feel the sting of the different times throughout their childhoods that I have longed for something that was truly neither here nor there.

Today, when I was getting Wilfred from his nap, he was so sweet and gentle and silly and imaginative as only a child under a certain age can be, and the moment was just so big and fleeting all at once and it just gets me, you know? All the way. I am just all sentimentality all the time complete with big crocodile tears and gulping laughter sobs. That is just how it is. Big big heart around here and an early indoctrination around the wellspring of pleasure to be found in the everyday moments with one another. I am not sure I know anything in the world that does that to me the way the temporal reality of raising babies and children does. It is painful and joyful and brutal and transcendent all mixed up together.

I heard Sam Harris say this at one of the end of his daily meditation recently: The goal of the practice is wisdom. The wisdom to recognize how things actually are in each moment. And stepping out of the fantasy life born of having a mind that is perpetually distracted.

This is the work, as far as I can tell. But I also think that it is of value to hold the tension of what is and what was and what could be with a measure of compassion and empathy and desire and heartbreak. I think that it cultures our humanity and also is where art is born. The art that comes alive in writing, in music, in sculpture, and in all manner of craft. It is, I have found, Yes, and.

This year has, of course, been a huge teacher of these dual truths. Two very large pieces of my personal identity and sources of immense joy in my life- that have historically been sometimes at odds with each other- have been full and alive. My children have all been with me and I have been with them. They are well and often content even without so much of what has occupied their lives up until the pandemic. Having a happy and funny toddler seems to help in this regard. A lot. He is presence personified. I have also been able to do more yoga as a student this year than I have in years and I have been able to do so without traveling away from my family and putting any additional strain onto their rhythms and schedules, which in the past was always the price. I have also felt a deeper and more consistent connection to longtime friends than I have in quite some time as we all convert the venue for our togetherness online. I have been in classes and practices with many people this year that I first practiced with over 20 years ago- what a wonder.

In many regards, I really do have a sense of having it all right now. Which I realize is somewhat off and makes me feel a little awkward to even say out loud. But I am a homebody. I am a social introvert. I love mothering. I love making. I love cultivating deep and tender sense of place. And I love practicing. I love connecting with folks around what is real and true for them. And all of this feels alive and well in my world right now. I guess what I am trying to say is that I am filled up with gratitude for what has been indeed the silver lining of this year for me. I feel grounded and relatively clear, even as I navigate what I know is the pervasive COVID cloud. And yet, I feel connected to my values, my passions, my curiosity, and also my joy. I have a good sense of how I want to refine and clarify some things moving into the New Year- but it doesn’t feel in any way like a course correction. And that feels very, very, good.

more soon.

xxx,m

new v not new

When I was a kid, I used to hate that my birthday was this time of year. I was bought into so sort of myth that my total take Birthday/Christmas wasn’t as good as someone whose birthday was in a far better month, such as July or August. As I have grown and detoxed some ideas around a Christian Holiday that doesn’t hold particular significance in my own world and having processed some of my own discomfort around receiving, I have grown to really love this time of year and my birthday’s place within it.

Not only do I really enjoy the festive feel between Thanksgiving and New Years and the way as a family we have reoriented to the celebration of Winter Solstice and the Return of the Light, but I also love the way in which my personal New Year and that of the calendar are lined up. I like having some time to really slow down and consider the last year in relation to my values as well as my aspirations and then allow that consideration to inform how I intend to step into the next year.

As I have said a whole bunch throughout this immense year, one of my personal silver linings has been the ability to access regular contact with my longtime teachers Christina Sell and Darren Rhodes. It has been such a gift to be in the current of their teaching again. And as much as they both continue to evolve in their understanding and approach to teaching asana and yoga philosophy, there is a way that it is indeed much the same as it has ever been. Which, in my opinion, is solid gold. It centers that which stays steady, consistent, and abiding, over that which is new and flashy and is also, quite often, disposable.

So, I have been considering this for the past several months. What lasts versus what fades. The things that stand the test of time versus the flash in the pan. Like, what are the things in my life that really sustain me and aren’t simply a moment of immediate gratification in the form of a temporary and unsustainable serotonin spike? This is in no way a new consideration for me, just one that I periodically circle back around to with renewed clarity or fresh depth. I think there may even be a post here titled: what stays the same.

It has led me to land on this project/endeavor/idea that has really been rolling around upstairs for a while now:

Nothing New til 2022.

I have definitely been building up to this for some time and I think I am finally ready to take a deep breath and commit to this effort for a full cycle. Nothing new. A whole lot of reuse and recycle, mending when I am able. I certainly need for nothing. But what I want for… well that is a whole other story. And while I have, for quite a few years, focused my purchasing power on small independent makers, I have also justified quite a few purchases simply because I wanted to justify them. I am ready to press pause on this habit and see where I end up.

I am not yet sure how far-reaching this will be in my life. I am, after all, not just a shopper for 1 but a shopper for 5, so we will have to see. But my sense is that once I turn up the dial on my awareness of my own unnecessary consumption, it will shine some new light on my consumer tendencies across the board. I sense that things are going to change y’all. And I have to admit that I feel more than a stiff mix of nerves and thrill when I think about this- which feels like a sure sign that I am on to something good.

I will be doing this independently. And I will endeavor to be as transparent about my process as possible. I don’t think it will be particularly easy. But I think it is the just-right gift to give myself for my 44th year. Old is the new NEW.

eyes

For the last few weeks- months?- or so, I keep on having these wild and fluid dreams, or memories maybe. Like a flash of a picture of a place I may or may not have ever been, long ago or quite recently, all in a non-linear jumble. It is like the sameness of all of the days strung together is spurring on some daydream space-time travel, all of it equally real/unreal, so much so that I am left wondering what is reworked memory and what is simply fantasy. It is a bit disorienting. Like, I have been there before. Right? But was she alive yet then? That doesn’t seem quite right… but… which is it?

Is this happening to anyone else?

If I am actually dreaming, and traveling through worlds that way, the moment my lucid self tries to peer into the scene and figure what’s what, something all together different and yet, I am discovering, completely consistent happens. I remember Covid. And then in an instant, everything is wrong. Out of place. Too closed in, too close. In all of my dreams, Covid has leaked in so their meaning gets strewn and tangled. Lost. Chris says the same is happening for him. And then we lay in bed in the dark, trying to whisper over the baby’s sound machine, and I tell him my most opaque secret: I cannot have one single more person anywhere in the entire world die from Covid-19. I just fucking can’t. How can I? How can we??? And then I know it must all be a dream and I am back in that familiar space of all of these beaded days where the magic in my thinking is full of flaws, full of holes.

I practiced in my freezing basement this morning with Sam over the Zoom. Cruising through some of Christina’s backbend sequences. Feeling happy and lucky and playful. I showed her the giant wall hanging that Maple recently made for me. Not yet installed, but perched on a hook. Covered in glitter. The glitter is everywhere. Everywhere. The basement is glitter. And Sam said that she heard someone say that Covid is like glitter, once you open the bottle it just gets everywhere. Like glitter.

I am not sure why she made this big piece for me. She gets on a jag and she just goes. For hours really, leaning into some technique or texture until she unfolds that part of her mind into form . She has always been like this. It ebbs and flows and I have learned to look at is as the very best thing. A sign that we are on the right track. Even if it comes with fallout in the form of modge podge in my best dish. I need those signs right now. Especially because I can see how tired she is of all of these days strung together. How tired she is of us. Good grief, I love being with my people and I am sick of them sometimes. But she is about to be 15 and she is certainly supposed to be spending time with peers far more than she is with us. She needs space. Autonomy. Differentiation in new and uncomfortable ways. I get it. And it is still sad because I am certain that as interminable as this time is, day into day into day into day, it is also without a doubt, the last time that we will all be together in this concentrated of a way. I am not sure how else I feel about that.

She came downstairs to check in with me while I was finishing my practice the other day and she took a few pictures of me on my mat. From her perspective. Something that she used to do so regularly when I practiced and now I think it might be years since she has. That is how it goes. I am learning. Her view of me on my mat is always so unique. So distinct. I love it. She said she thinks that some of them really capture the time that we are in right now. They way my practice looks today. Often with a book of sequences and my laptop near. Layers of clothing. Both somber and cheerful at once.

I just love her so much and I am not sure what this rambling bit of writing is pointing toward except perhaps the only constant that I can always connect to, which if you don’t know yet, I’ll just tell you: it’s time. It is joy and sorrow in the same breath. Loss and longing and gratitude and wonder all mixed up with one another in this beautiful, heart breaking mess.

Stay well please friends. Life is so beautiful and fleeting and imperfect. I don’t want to miss anything and I really don’t want you to either. Be kind and stay awake for it. I think that is everything.

nov news

I sent this to my email list last night, and then sort of realized that it might live here as well…

Hey there friends.

As much as I am ready to race to the finish of 2020- you too?- I also want to wrap this year up with as much integrity and goodness as I can muster. So here it is.

If you are on this super casual newsletter list, it is because you have supported me in at least 1 of 3 of my small but mighty endeavors. So, before I even dive into the heart of this communication, let me just say THANK YOU. Every day I am in awe of the support I receive from all the folks - YOU - that make so much possible in my life. Wow, y'all. It's a lot.

So this is what is up in my self-employed, entrepreneurial world:

1. Practice Wellness Community

Rachel Peters, Sam Rice, and I have been fortunate enough to design, and create, and offer 4 programs this last year. We have learned a ton and connected with so many folks. Some new to us and some quite familiar and all now a part of a collective movement to engage practice and awareness and self-care in conscious community. It is so cool and I am so into it. Learning and growing with Sam and Rachel is probably the biggest boon on my own evolving practitioner path. Thank goodness they are into it too and we can look forward to continued collaboration.

Our first program begins right away in January and is open for registration now. It is an updated- and awesome IMO- Rooted In Rhythm. Daily practices to help us establish an intentional rhythm right out of the New Year Gate. Registration is open now.

AND, we are dipping our feet into the seasonal promos happening all over the interwebs by offering a 4-day event, Black Friday through Cyber Monday, that will give you last year's RIR ebook for free when you register. Pretty sweet. And small business all the way. We also have a closeout happening on all of our available merch, so, get it!

2. Meg Abene Newlin Yoga/ MANY

Not too much has been going on over in this little nook of the internet. In October I was able to finally bring together a program for pregnant yogis that has been in my heart for years. I am happy to report that Mama's Life of Practice now lives in the offerings on the site. These are practices I did while I was pregnant and I hope that they will serve other yogis as they navigate their own transition toward childbirth.

I have been focusing my LIVE teaching over in the PWC space for the last several months, but while we take a break until the New Year I am excited to offer a once-weekly live practice. The December Asana Series will be a weekly 60-minute yoga practice on Tuesday evenings at 7 pm EST. Practice will be LIVE as well as recorded and delivered to your inbox within 24 hours. Registration for that will be open until next Monday. I am really looking forward to this and I hope you are too!

Other than that, not much is happening on my site for the time being. I am still writing on the blog with some regularity which feels so good. One of my primary aims for 2021 is to invest more time in my writing practice in general and that space is a little bit of a measure of that for me.

3. Beautycounter

Our biggest sale of the year, 15% off and free shipping over $50, is still going strong and will be through the 29th. Then I am sure that we will have something for Cyber Monday but we have no idea what that will be at this point. I plan on doing a 7-day stretch of Giveaways in December during my Birthday Week. If you want to get in on that little party, I'd love to have you. It will be taking place primarily in my group One Small Act.

Y'all, it has been such a huge year for me with this work. It has encouraged growth for me in so many areas that seem to be informing just about every aspect of my life. Not to mention, I continue to get wildly lit up when I can support someone in making cleaner/safer choices for themselves and their families, while simultaneously encouraging increased positive self regard and unapologetic acts of self love. It feels nothing short of a reclaimation of agency over our own bodies and the skin we live in. And I am Here. For. It.

OK. I think that is it.

Thank you so much, truly, from the bottom of my heart, for supporting my small business(es) this year. It has meant so much to me and my fam.

Specifically, your support helped us cover the cost of an unforeseen and uncovered surgery that Chris had late last winter. It helped pay for Wilfred's nephrology appointments back in January and March- also uncovered by insurance. Your support helped Eider participate in the Stowe Mountain Bike Academy this fall, right as we were thinking he would have zero engagement outside of our home for the entire season. Your support helped us order that extra cord of firewood for the winter. Your support also made it possible for me to make small donations throughout the year to organizations including Together Rising, The Bail Project, Reclaim the Block, Campaign Zero, and Black Visions Collective.

So thank you each. I know sometimes it seems small, but the truth is that it is so huge and honestly, I couldn't do any of it without you.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for supporting. I hope to see you soon on your mat or on your cushion or in my inbox. So much love and regard to each of you.
xxx,m

Magical Thinking

One Small Act

Sometime during the past 8 months, I have renewed two very small things that have subsequently felt like two very big things in terms of their effect on my personal joy, comfort, and general sense of wellbeing. There have been more than these two things of course, and I will mention them in this post, but these two lead the way in how unassuming they are in spite of the impact that they have imparted in the fabric of my daily living.

The first easy peasy practice that I picked up again a few weeks into Covid Reality was to reinstate making granola once a week or so. So small and simple and easy that it barely merits mentioning. But nonetheless, I find it to be immediately satisfying and grounding. I loosely go off of this recipe because it is delicious and because in general I am just scrambling and working with what I have. The grounding bit of this is not the gathering of ingredients. It is the recognition that I have everything that I need and that I can almost instantly bring the component parts together to make something else entirely that manages all at once to be both humble and satisfying.

The other small thing is that early on in the pandemic I began ordering fine loose teas. Mostly black teas, an occasional Earl Grey for Maple and Chris, an exploration of Assams and Yunnans for myself, and the occasional Oolong thrown in for afternoon enjoyment. I order teas from an importer that I was introduced to long ago by my old friends and owners of Wonder State Coffee, with whom we would place massive bulk orders and who, I think, also recognize that there are some difficulties that no amount of coffee in the world can remedy. That is the time for a hearty cuppa of rich black tea to step in, preferably with some heavy cream and local honey demonstrative of all the love and care needed to survive yet another day. It has felt luxurious and simple all at once, and I have whole-heartedly enjoyed the return of tea making and drinking back into my daily living.

Both small things, right? Making granola, making tea. But they share a common element of Hygge that feels like very much the right thing to lean into during the endless days at home that are the current life and times. They provide comfort: a bit of slowness, some sensory satisfaction. My joy at these two renewed discoveries has me thinking a lot at the power of the One Small Act, the simple, doable, daily behaviors that have the possibility of shifting our entire trajectory, simply by adjusting our state for a few moments, or minutes, or longer.

This concept draws heavily on a teaching that my dear friend and co-conspirator on the path of personal an collective transformation, Rachel Peters, taught during our in-person Practice Wellness Community intensive in Wisconsin a couple of years ago. She called it the one-degree shift. What is the one thing that you can begin to do right now that is so slight and yet is just enough- one degree- to set you on an entirely different course than had you not implemented it? It will completely change where you are headed.

There are other activities or behaviors that I have implemented this year with this principle in mind. Daily meditation is certainly one. I have meditated with more regularity and frequency over the last eight months than I have in my entire life of practice. And this practice has shifted me. But it continues to be a daily choice and that is perhaps the aspect of it that is spilling over with more potency into other aspects of my life. I think that the concept of choice is central. There are choices that I make that dead-end me in terms of the subsequent choices that are born out of the initial one, and vice versa. And I want to make the choices that open doors, not the ones that predetermine me toward other, not so life serving choices. Examples of this are obvious, I hope, but to name a few… I am more served by the decision to not drink and to sleep more. To move my body and breath in big and meaningful ways and then to be still and quiet when it is time. To eat good food and to invest my time in the fresh air and sunshine. To wash and care for my body in loving and kind and life-serving ways. To make granola and hot tea for myself and my family. To write. To read. To orient myself around inspiration. To make my eyes new every day so that I can see the wonder of it all again for the first time. Like a toddler. Waking up to the world.

You see? My choice. Your choice. Especially during a time when the freedom and agency of so many of our choices are on the line. Maybe I am leaving this here as a reminder to myself. That One Small Act is sometimes the most Radical Act that we can make toward effecting meaningful and lasting change. In our own lives, yes. But I think that it is more than that. And that our agency to choose must be called to that. The impact of each little gesture, decision, shift, is affecting so much more than just our small sphere. If we are learning anything during the time of Covid let it be that: we are connected, that we matter, that our choices matter. Every small, little, everyday act, perhaps even more than any big and sweeping, potentially unsustainable gesture. Our sphere of influence is potentially vast. I want to live in that awareness.

*edited to say: listen. I know that I have been kind of emphasizing this whole thing around abstaining from drinking and to a lesser extent social media in the last couple of posts. But I want to be clear, I really have no moral thing around it. And I don’t think that I believe in any sort of absolutism- unless we are talking about the fact that the Republican Party is corrupt to its very core and that Donald Trump Has Got To Go… In general, I tend to think that my psychology does poorly with any sort of hard and fast rules and that the rebel in me, well, wants to rebel. Really it is just that I am noticing the way in which these activities make me feel like I am forfeiting an aspect of my freedom around choice. And also they sometimes make me feel like I am slowly poisoning myself. But look. Everyone is different. And everyone responds differently to different stimuli. This is in no way meant to be taken as some kind of dogmatic dispensing of judgment. Ok? Ok.

updating perspective

I haven’t been writing much lately. All of the days bleed into each other and more often than not I am engaged in some feeble attempt to distract myself from my nerves and anxiety at the uncertainty of this stretch of months. My thoughts often feel jumbled and scattered and clear insight is not keeping regular company with me these days.

My days are enjoyable enough. Filled with many things that I am grateful for and love wholeheartedly. But they are all so much the same that even my connection to gratitude for this life slips and falters. My friends seem to echo a similar sentiment. We are ok. But fatigued. So fatigued. And as much as I am trying to be mindful in these well-worn choices that make up these repetitive days, I am also subject to my own subconscious habits and tendencies, however sabotaging or not that they may be.

I have been shifting things a bit over the last month or so. I have been taking a break from drinking, maybe forever, in an effort to be in more conscious choice with my regular behaviors and not just pour a glass of wine or crack a beer because that is what I do in the evening. I have also been shifting the time of day that I meditate each day in an effort to not let that opportunity slip away because of being inconveniently placed. I now wake up and hand Wilfred to Chris (or Chris hands coffee to me or some combination of the two) and then head back upstairs for a seated practice as opposed to trying to squeeze it in during a nap and feeling guilty that I am stealing my attention away from eider’s home education. I’ve also been making a point to nap both days of the weekend, which I sadly missed today, and now am feeling the deep fatigue of the day’s earlier decision.

One of the things that I am convinced would support me in cultivating more ease within each of these days would be to limit my time on Instagram. I have a timer set that keeps me at an hour or less in a 24 hour period, but even still. Opening the app has essentially become a tick that lives in my body and not in my mind or heart and after that unconscious choice is made I am immediately removed from any additional choice by the content that waits for me there. Things that seem relevant or important in some way and are really no different from the clouds moving across the sky.

I finally did delete the app this weekend, albeit somewhat reactively. I had posted a picture to my stories of Chris getting a flu shot with a little reference to not having gotten one before but deciding to this year, blah blah blah. I had done something similar a few weeks ago when Maple and Eider got theirs and it was no big whoop so I figured the same thing here. Not so much. Total shit storm of comments and questions, primarily along this line: Why are you deciding to get the flu shot this year?

OK. Before I continue, I just have to be clear that in general, I am not at my best right now. And I tend to think that the same is true for most of us. We are uncertain and scared, lonely, and tired. And many of us, in many different and yet interconnected ways, spend an unprecedented amount of time and energy right now terrified that we may soon be stripped of the agency and sovereignty we have over our own bodies. It’s a tough time. People are dying. And the upcoming presidential election feels like it has placed the very soul of our country on the line. I am trying to keep this in mind and do my best to lead with as much empathy and compassion as possible for both myself and everyone else.

Sooooo. Having gotten a little bit of space from my surprise at how bold people are in asking personal questions on social media, I will do my best to do what I have always endeavored to do. Answer honestly, authentically, and with what is hopefully an effective balance of boundaries and vulnerability.

My family does not usually get flu shots. In an average year, I choose to focus on building immunity through foods and herbs and fresh air and activity and rest. This year… not an average year. And while we are still doing all of the immune building work per usual, I do think that a global pandemic is reason enough to adjust our family’s flu shot perspective. It needs an update this year. It is about more than just us and our health and how fine or not we may or may not be if we get sick with the seasonal flu or with COVID. And part of this update is about a community contract that we feel is important all of the time, and right now more than ever. And if the flu shot helps more folks skip an extra bought of illness this year, then I am more than happy to participate in that effort. Seems best to be managing for one less illness if at all possible, especially considering that each sickness brings another into question.

Which somehow leads right into the next question, kind of a 2 parter: Will you have your family vaccinated if a COVID vaccine becomes available, and oh yeah, wtf anyway vaccines?!?! Mmmmkay.

So, first. Absofuckinglutely once there is a safe and well-tested vaccine available for COVID-19 we will all be getting vaccinated. And here is the deal. I am not anti-vaccine. I never have been really. I do choose to follow a delayed schedule for my kids, some shots I wait on longer than others, but for the most part, I eventually ask that they get them all. I will still wait a while before beginning Wilfred’s vaccines, and then we will begin on a spread out and delayed schedule. And this is exactly what I mean by updating perspective. Vaccines, and the culture around vaccines and parenting has changed radically in the 15 years that I have been a parent. Vaccinating was incredibly taboo and often discouraged in the community of our early parenting years. And not without what was at the time incredibly compelling information. Now, there is more transparency and accountability around ingredient lists than there was when Maple and Eider were new, there is also new science that has debunked and put certain concerns to bed. There is of course still an inherent risk associated with vaccines, but no more so than there is with most anything. And we must choose to weigh for ourselves the risk versus the reward, but I do believe that vaccines are one of the miracles of modern medicine and that we are living through a time that only affirms that.

But listen! I have had to update, and update yet again over the course of two decades, my perspective on this. I have had to research, and then research again, to make sure that my perspective holds water and is not antiquated and out of date. That is how it goes. And as far as I can tell, that is how this whole being human business goes as well. We have to repeatedly be updating our perspective in order to prevent getting stuck somewhere that doesn’t serve us or the community or the culture or the planet. And as much as this makes so much sense, I also know that change is hard, especially when it comes to our beliefs, and staying in a space of receptivity to the possibility of on-going change, in a world in which we are being asked to update our perspectives continually, is downright hard, and at times straight-up exhausting.

But y’all. This is what it means to be awake. This is what it means to live an examined life. This is what it means to debunk the status quo over and over and over again. And if the world we are living in currently is not evidence of this necessity, then good grief what is it going to take? It is time to update our perspectives. It is ok to change our position on things. It is ok to admit that we were wrong back when we didn’t have all of the information. And even if we don’t yet have it all because we probably never will but at least we have more and that means that our perspective deserves an update. And I’m not just talking about vaccines and the flu shot anymore now am I?

All of this and more got me to do what I have been moving in the direction of doing for months and just delete the gd app. Not permanently. No. I still occupy that space. Just right now I am trying some different boundaries and keeping things on my terms. I’ll drop in and then bust out. Leave a little baby, yoga, yarn, vermont, body oil, puppy love and then dash back out. We’ll see. Maybe that will be the update in balance and boundaries that I am needing. TBD.

changing

I have written a lot in this space about identity and how many different identities often make up the whole of one person. I have thought, at length, about the ways in which certain aspects of ourselves can sometimes feel at odds with other parts and vice versa. About internal conflict, or the pull in one particular direction that can feel like it negates the longing of another part. It’s complicated. And I think, as we each try to know ourselves with greater and greater accuracy, it can quickly become infinite shades of grey as some parts want one thing and the next part wants the opposite.

I am not certain, but I don’t think I am here to talk about that tonight. I think I am here to talk about fundamental change. Or maybe evolution. And I am going to stop right there because I have been around long enough to know that sometimes the sense of deep identity change is more often a neglected aspect of self acting out as a means to be seen. It can be near impossible to tell the difference, especially when you are in the thick of it. And let me just be the millionth person to say, that we are all in the thick of it.

I am trying to pay attention and practice discernment. I really am. And either I am completely disconnected and deluding myself- possible- or something is shifting, more than per the seasons, and maybe even more than per COVID. But in all honesty, that seems like it could be really hard to gauge.

I think that I am in no way alone in this current soul searching. It seems like it may actually be weird for a great deal of personal considering to not be happening right now. But perhaps that is a little presumptive on my end… and really, I am not in any way qualified to speak too much to that.

For me, it has been an easy and slow shift. I like this, I don’t like that. My enjoyment of the outcome justifies my dislike of the many parts of the process. And so on. I have been getting clear on some things. And slowly, and with some trepidation, admitting others. Until sooner or later, a part of me that once felt robust and everlasting is atrophying and dropping away.

And this is what it looks like to me right now. Or, I suppose, what feels most true:

I do not enjoy teaching yoga online.

At least, I do not enjoy a single part of the process of making prerecorded content for online use. Not the planning, not the setting up, maybe a little bit the teaching- to maybe no one- not even remotely the editing and multi-day process of uploading, and not the formatting and relocating to a useable landing space. I basically hate all of it. Yep. Once again with feeling: I fucking hate teaching yoga online.

LOL.

I'm sorry. Are you still here?

Cuz that is not entirely true. Interestingly enough, I love taking online classes. Or maybe it is just the access to teachers that I have only been able to see after managing extensive logistical and travel over the last near two decades. I am eating it up. Practicing more, and with greater focus and curiosity than I have in years. And in many ways, it has felt so good to just stand firmly in the seat of the student after having occupied the one of the teacher for so long. I have always been a little tentative about that seat and myself, truth be told.

OK. And hold on a sec. Before I go any farther, let me just be clear that I love teaching. And I miss it. And when the chance arises again, and I sincerely hope that it does, to teach to rooms full of moving, breathing, living, human beings, I am going to do it. I am. But in the meantime, I am going to let some of that go more dormant for me so that I can feed the parts of myself that have my attention, that feel good, and that do not kick me into a spiral of resentment and self-loathing.

So, what does that look like? Well, first off, I love teaching with Sam Rice and Rachel Peters. I feel beyond grateful for my work with them. They inspire me, they keep me in check, and they help invite the best parts of myself to step forward. It is 100% my intention to keep a regular rhythm with steady and seasonal Practice Wellness Community programs throughout the year. (Now is as good a time as any, to say that our next program begins a week from tomorrow, Tuesday the 6th. It is a 6-week community-based practice program, complete with Live weekly calls, meditations, and practices. You can find information about Steady at hOMe and register here.)

Also, I am loving the work of my Beautycounter business. It is inspiring and also straightforward and chock-full of the business mentoring that my entrepreneurial spirit has been longing for for years. I love the people that I work with in that world and I love the way that I do not have to be very tech-savvy and I love the take it or leave it attitude that is sometimes so challenging for me to access in the yoga world. And it is collaborative. I think that is for real the key for me. Shit can feel really lonely right now and recording a class in my basement to quite possibly nobody is not doing that part of me any favors. I like to learn and I like to grow and I really enjoy the clear way that this little- not so little- biz is feeding that for me these days.

What else? I want to spend more time writing. And continuously on repeat presence myself over and over and over again with myself and with my people. That’s it. That’s what I want to do. My time is my currency and I want to use it wisely. And meaningfully.

What this means right now is that these are the places you will find me engaged: PWC for any live yoga teaching. On my mat as much as I can be with Christina and Darren. Chatting cleaner, safer skincare. Writing. Home Educating. Playing. Making. Exploring. Being.

But there aren’t any other programs coming from me any time soon. I will get the Mama’s LOP up once I am through the slog of content building. (I do really believe in this offering which is good news for me weathering the slog). I will possibly find some inspiration to bring other offerings into being, but it is more likely that I will work with Sam and Rachel to pull together our existing and future content into a living channel or other accessible venue. Most likely, Mentorship is on hold indefinitely. Going dormant until it feels like an authentic and inspiring offering again.

Wow, what a long-winded update. Per usual. Thanks for sticking with me. I really do look forward to connecting however we can. In the meantime, please be well. Take care of yourself. And when you find that to be more difficult, please reach out. And please, please, please, VOTE.

fall dry out

As much as I am always hoping for a long and endless summer, it seems that the plan this year is instead an early fall. Which is beautiful, and cozy, and, incredibly dry. After an unusually dry summer, the beginning of this fall feels even more perilously dry than is typical. And, while much of the country is burning right now, in this apocalyptic reckoning that we are having as a nation within the immense reality of global climate change, I am, for now, going to turn attention toward how I respond to this seasonal dry out in the physical body and leave how best to respond to the planetary body to the folks who we should be taking our lead from right now in more ways than one: SCIENTISTS.

So that said, I am going to go a little bit off-script for this post and talk about skincare. I mean, maybe that is off-script? I hope not. For the most part, I feel like this space has just served whatever has my attention at the moment, and right now, as with most seasonal transitions, my attention is on wellness. And really, wellness has been on my mind steadily since March. How ‘bout you?

My doorway into the importance of skincare in overall wellness was, like a great many things in my life, through hatha yoga. Yoga led me to Ayurveda, which made clear to me in really accessible ways, the way in which the body is a mirror not just of the inner environment, but the outer environment as well. I am going to pause right here though to say: this is not an Ayurveda post. While this wisdom informs many of my personal lifestyle and wellness choices, I am by no means an expert. However, I am happy to point you in the direction of someone who is. Just ask!

So skincare. Specifically, skincare and wellness and oils. Again, gotta pause for a click. I am not sharing about essential oils here either. I have mentioned my use of them in the past, and I think they are awesome, yet incredibly personal and, occasionally, a little bit controversial. So! This is not that!

Gah! Skincare. Ok.

The transition of summer to fall, in many climates, is one from damp and warm to cool and dry. And often windy as well. Which, can really stoke the heat of summer in a way that burn the fire too hot. So hot that it can burn off all of our internal juiciness which can lead to an extra dry climate inside- one that before long is stagnant and slow to utilize its natural cleansing capabilities. The aim for navigating the transition for fall with ease should be to keep things mobile without losing our groundedness. Too damp and then we are heavy and sluggish and slow. Quick to break out or get sad or both. Too dry and we risk sadness of another sort. Disconnected and adrift and, dare I say, disenfranchised.

When the temps dropped this last week, and the mountain breezes began to pick up and turn dry, the very first thing I reached for was an oil. This is a beautiful oil that I use all year long, but that I begin to really lean into when the dryness starts to settle in. I will often use it as my moisturizer on its own, but more often than not I will mix it in with another moisturizer to uplevel hydration.

The next thing I make sure I am doing more of is cleansing with oil every time I wash my face. The cleansing balm, an oil-based superpower multitasker, is actually the first of two products that lured me into the Beautycounter world. (the other is the overnight resurfacing peel, obviously. lol) And while I still use the balm on the regular, when it comes to washing my face, I almost exclusively use this cleansing oil, and now, as the seasons change, especially. I love the shift, both internally and externally, that the simple act of washing my face creates but I definitely cannot afford to strip my skin of any moisture. This helps me gently cleanse away impurities without wiping away the lipids my skin so desperately needs.

I also immediately reach for a great Nasya Oil. Say what? I think at this point most everyone has heard of Neti, and for me, the two go hand in hand. Because what do you do after you cleanse? You treat and hydrate! Nasya is basically a nice snort of oil up your nose, sometimes “medicated” with herbs, and other times just oil is fine. This one is my go-to hands down. Bonus that it is made by a long time mama friend- think ogbb moo moo- and a current Beautycounter team member. Also, it bears mentioning here that Ayurveda is big on oiling your orifices, all of you orifices, to insulate and protect not just your immune system, but your nervous system as well. We try to make it a habit at our house of for sure oiling our noses and our ears, and well, the rest it’s kinda like an honor code thing. K? K.

In terms of heavy-hitting oils, a couple of times a week I try to make sure that I do a full-body self oil massage, called Abhyanga in Ayurveda. I have a massive bottle of Sesame Oil from Banyan under my bathroom sink that I funnel into an old 2oz tincture bottle on my counter for ease and accessibility and then massage into my still damp from the shower skin. I also love to treat my bod to this oil. Some folks put in on after dry brushing and let it sit and absorb for a while before showering it off and I am just gonna say that I do not have the patience to clean out drains full of rancid oil. More power to you if you do but I gave up that practice when I was pregnant with Eider and literally all that I could smell was our drains. Um, BARF. But, please, you do you and zero judgment from me. Seriously.

Oily body massage is something that I have done on all of our babes for the first few years of their lives- read: as long as they will let me. It is one of my favorite parts of each day and I swear Wilfred is my cleanest baby by far simply so that I can maximize the amount of that time that I get to spend with him. So warm and quiet and gentle and sweet. And really the perfect transition from tub to bed, in my opinion. This is the oil I am using on him, and often I’ll massage some into my feet while I am at it. Like I said, maximize. I love this oil though. Super hydrating without being in any way heavy or greasy. It is also my favorite gift for new mamas and babies.

In terms of body balms, I am huge fans of the melting body balm- it smells truly incredible and melts into oil, as well as the baby daily protective balm. I use the melting balm to manage all of the handwashing (keep washing your hands!) and more so now than even a week ago as fall kicks into gear. The baby balm has been my go-to for every skin maladie for Wilfie, from cradle cap to eczema to diaper rash to, most recently, scar mitigation. Two total heavy hitters. Without actually being heavy…

Alright, and last but by no means least, I have to include lip hydration. This has always been more akin to life or death feeling in the winter- ok obviously exaggerating but you know what I mean, right? How many tubes of lip balm have you found in coat pockets at the beginning of the season? Or not found in coat pockets and then had to emergency purchase while you were out? The suffering of dry lips is freaking real and I completely disagree with anyone who even attempts to tell me otherwise. Nope. Not a thing- For the last year or so, I have included lip hydration in my morning and evening skincare routine, reaching for a moisture packed lip gloss or conditioning lipstick in the morning and my absolute favorite balm at night- which was a part of Beautycounter’s Holiday Sets last year and fingers freakin’ crossed it makes a comeback this year cuz I’m down to the nub.

OK y’all! Thanks for sticking with me if you did. I know that this could maybe seem a little off-topic, but for me, this folds right into everything life of practice and wellness not to mention earnestly and wholeheartedly sharing what I love and what I have found to work well for me and my family. I really do believe that deep self care- physical, mental, and emotional- is a radical act of self-love. And that it is these small, daily, loving, and conscious acts that have the power to shift not just our state of being, but also to shift the narrative toward one that is connected and unified and ready to stand up in the face of inequity and injustice with purpose and humility. Take care of yourselves, friends. The world needs you. We need you.

homeschool details (grade six edit)

Yesterday, one their way home from Eider’s mountain biking group, he asked Chris where his favorite place that he’s ever lived is. And Chris said, honestly, it’s probably here. It’s beautiful and as much as we may feel isolated right now, that he likes Vermonters. Yeah, I can see that, was Eider’s response. So Chris asked if he liked Mount Horeb the most so far and Bear’s response was simply that he had felt really well connected there and like he had a great friend group. Such a simple answer. But without any charge at all and to me emblematic of a simultaneously subtle and huge shift happening for him.

I think I have shared before that Eider, while very social and outgoing, can also tend toward the melancholic. I watch this in him. Sometimes with worry, and at other times with frustration, but always with a lot of empathy. No matter who you are, adolescence can be rugged, and navigating big life changes- a cross country move, a new brother, a global pandemic, to name a few- in the midst of what can already feel like enormous change, well, it can be a lot.

I have been worried. I have been trying to figure out what I can do. I have wanted to get something right for him. He was just starting to make some friends and feel some hope in connection in his new home when we all turned within. He went from a little floundering to out and out sad. I mostly shut down homeschooling for him around April. We did the bare minimum. Which was… not much. I let him retreat into his xBox for a couple of hours every day, thinking that at least there was some semblance of connection for him there with people outside of our small family bubble. It hasn’t been my best parenting move, but also by no means my worst. I am definitely in some stage of internal negotiations with myself around how much video game time is beneficial in terms of respect and honoring and development of my son vs how much is aggravating already strong tendencies within him that lean toward frustration, anger, sadness, and well, melancholy.

So, anyway, I have been watching. I have also been scrambling to find a plan for this fall that is both honoring as well as inspiring and tends his natural curiosity, intelligence, and creativity. I do not know if it is for me or for you, but I am going to share some of the details of what we are doing right now. Because, honestly, not to jinx anything, but it feels just right. And if the little moment of conversation around place that Eider and Chris had is any indication, and I believe that it really is, a shift is happening for him. He is beginning to feel a new and real spark of inspiration and dare I say hopefulness rise up and I am starting to see it spill out. More than I have since the beginning of Covid- that is for sure. But I think just maybe more than I have since the month or so before we drove with all of our animals, and people, and stuff away from North Third Street some 15 months ago.

A quick note on mountain biking before I jump into the specifics of curriculum and schedule. Eider is riding three afternoons a week with The Stowe Mountain Bike Academy. He did a little bit with them in the summer. And that was great. Great enough to entice him into further participation. However, there were enough out of state kids there to make him nervous at best and out and out stressed at worst. It is easy enough to practice distancing on trails and bikes, pulling up masks any time they stop for some instruction. But now, with just local- and quite a few newly local- kids in his small group, I think he feels easy, and excited, and inspired. He is loving these afternoons on the bike in ways that he never has before. He is coming home lit up in a way that I haven’t seen since a victorious lacrosse game, or a thrilling orchestra rehearsal. I am beyond thankful for this experience for him right now and I see it’s potential to only build for him as well as the way in which it is rooting him in his new place in such a way that perhaps nothing else could have. Or at least not with this particular poignancy and grace. And tell you what, it is much different to say yes to time on the xBox when your kid has been stretching himself on his bike all while spending meaningful time in nature. He even said that they had to scrap a plan to session a particular bit of trail when they happened upon a black bear. Cautiously observing for a bit before quietly finding a new place to skill build.

I

Love

This

(Also, a note to me. Right now as I work on this, Eider has brought his violin downstairs to do his practice for his family, something that doesn’t happen much these days. Most days he is in his room during one of Wilfred’s naps playing with his mute. Anyhow, it is amazing, and wow has he improved since the last time we were lucky enough for a family concert.)

Alright, so, some nitty-gritty curriculum details. Grade Six Style.

Two pieces of important information right off the bat: I am not a fan of many curriculums, and certainly not ones geared toward an entire grade. I am hodgepodge to be sure. Also, Vermont’s homeschool standards are ridiculous to navigate, especially coming from Wisconsin which is at the opposite end of the spectrum. I can see the pros and cons of both. Much of what I am going to include here is what I had to submit to the state August first. Sort of. lol.

Math: This is an easy place to start because we have a bit of a if it’s not broken don’t fix it mentality with math. It was a nightmare for us for years, basically, I get very bad at teaching anything beyond 4th-grade mathematics, so, thanks to a recommendation from another homeschool mama, we have been using Mathhelp.com ever since Maple was in 5th-grade math. Other than their, at times, difficult customer support, I think that it is a great program. Thorough without being overwhelming. In my experience, most homeschool kids always think that they are behind at math, and when Maple went to eighth-grade last year, a little nervous about this to be sure, she found that instead she was a little bit ahead and well enough equipped to add a second math to her schedule for the year.

Literacy/Reading/Writing: As I have discussed at length before, and no doubt will continue to for the foreseeable future, both Maple and Eider are Dyslexic. We had a phenomenal tutor in Wisconsin who used the Orton-Gillingham approach to great success with both of them. That said, there is no easy fix when it comes to dyslexia and more often than not it is a lense that affects all aspects of not just learning, but knowing as well. At this point, we use hardly any workbooks- thank goodness- save one. And that is the Explode The Code Phonics series. We have found these to be both doable and useful in a progressive way that doesn’t contribute to Eider feeling crappy about himself. Which is, in my opinion, the far more worrisome obstacle to navigate for dyslexics than delayed reading.

We also use Brave Writer programs for much of our reading, writing, and grammar study. This will be our second year using the Arrow guides for a monthly novel selection. I cannot really speak highly enough about these materials and the approach in general. They utilize a read-aloud approach, which is a backbone to our home learning culture, as well as copy work and dictation and a book club approach to learning spelling, grammar, and literary devices. This year, we are also adding Brave Writer’s Partnership Writing program which explores a different writing project each month. This month we began with Secret Codes. Additionally, we do a free-write each week, sometimes just a few fantastical sentences, other times a letter to a friend, and we also have Poetry Teatime once a week. Both of these are concepts gleaned from what I have learned from Julie Bogart of Brave Writer.

Also worth noting. This is the heft of our homeschool. We are, more or less, a humanities and literature family. Not so much a science or math family. We read. We listen. We talk. That is a huge part of our family culture. And it works well for us. I also really believe, in the words of Sarah Makenzie from the Read-Aloud Revival, if you are reading and having meaningful discussions, that is enough.

Science: Like I said, not really a sciences family. Or, more accurately, we are more drawn to the natural sciences than we are things like Chemistry and Biology, and more than anything, I am not one to force learning in a direction in which there is scant interest. I have learned that the hard way. More than once. Eider was in a couple of STEM classes last year with a local homeschool group and that was great, took the pressure off of me for sure. But that is not happening this year and I am not really interested in finding him something online. Last year, until Covid shut it down, he was in an outdoor program with Earth Walk Vermont. This, among other things, offers a great natural history education. We are hopeful that there will be something with them able to start up again in the coming weeks, but that is, of course, uncertain. It seems doable though, as they exist entirely outside, rain, shine, or snow.

So, at home for science this fall, we have decided to focus on birds. Simple and lovely. We have pulled out a book that we loved several years ago called The Wind Masters: The Lives of North American Birds of Prey, and in conjunction with The Sibley Field Guide to Birds of Eastern North America, we are slowly and gently exploring birds, looking up any questions that arise and watching videos of various bird behaviors.

I also have him listen to Radio Lab kids a few times each week. Often the topic is something science-y, or cultural, or historical. I love this, along with a whole bunch of other podcasts that I will try to include here.

History: This is a big one. Eider actually loves History a ton and as much as the State of Vermont wants us to focus at this age on Vermont’s History, and we will, by taking advantage of the now online monthly programs available through the Vermont Historical Society, Eider also has a keen interest in World History. So we are digging deep and exploring 2 texts that I have had for several years: The Human Odyssey, 1400-1914, and 1914- through the present. We are also paying special attention to Black American History in our reading as well as our listening. We just completed Stamped: Racism, Anti-Racism, and You. This was a great introduction to what I hope will be, what really must be, a forever conversation. We also just finished listening to the NY Times 1619 Podcast and I think that continuing to utilize the podcast platforms for this particular type of educating of ourselves is ideal. Another podcast that Eider listens to each week is This Week in History. I highly recommend this as well as What You Missed in History Class. Both are excellent at exposing the histories that were certainly absent in my middle and high school education.

Arts: Our focus here is the Violin and Music Study. He continues to study classical music in the Suzuki Method, just recently previewing the first piece of Book 4, which feels like a very big deal. Seitz! Orchestra looks like it is off the table right now, in addition to any fiddling groups, but we are keeping the faith none the less.

We are also practicing drawing birds each week that feels fresh and low-risk. No big visual arts project at this point but some attention toward a particular medium. I am into that. When my sister visits in the next month, the two of them will do some tie-dying which is absolutely Eider’s speed.

Health: OK. This is awesome. Eider and I are reading It’s Perfectly Normal, and I highly, highly recommend this to everyone. I only wish that I had known about this particular series earlier, but I will start them off with Wilfred when it is time for sure. It cover’s literally everything, so, forewarned. We are a talk about it all family and it can still get a little edgy for us. I am into it. I am also trying to get Eider into the kitchen more by making something new, start to finish, each week. This week we made a fruit galette. Yum.

Jeez, are you still reading? I know that there are a few more subjects that I was supposed to submit on, but all I can remember right now is P.E. which personally I think is dumb and remember how I said that Eider is having a ball on his Mountain Bike? So, yeah, that.

As ever, feel free to reach out if you have any questions, or have something that has worked awesome for you that I need to know about. But this is what I’ve got today. Thanks for reading!

xxx,m

edited to say:

For whatever reason, writing this post not only took me 2 days but also totally took it out of me in general and I kinda scrambled to wrap it up. Something that I failed to mention at the time(s) of writing, has to do with schedule. We are, for the most part, setting aside 2 hours each weekday for homeschool. Not including violin practice or lesson, and sometimes including, but most often not, working through his list of podcast listening for the week. This schedule bit applies to me as well, and I am trying to get better on how I use my time as well. More boundaried with a better plan. Maybe I’ll share a bit about that soon as well.

not sustainable

On our first full day back in Maine, for the second time this summer, I was called by Maple’s school to let me know that I had until 3pm to decide if she would be doing the hybrid in-person school option that the district is attempting this year, or if she would be enrolling in the Vermont Virtual Academy for the entirety of her ninth-grade school year. I think that I have been plenty vocal about sharing my difficulty in navigating these decisions and hopefully, my concern for everyone else navigating similar ones has been clear as well. It has not been easy. When I took Wilfred into the doctor for his one-month checkup, I leaned hard into what she had to say regarding her impressions and opinions regarding the upcoming school year. She definitely expressed her doubts at the inconsistencies in monitoring actual viral exposure as well as managing for risk. But she also said that I could just let the school decide for me, that most likely the kids would be sent home sooner or later. This is really what I had been thinking and I was personally prepared to send Maple but also ready her for an inevitable return home.

When she decided that she was going to take the spot in Vermont Virtual Academy, I was both stunned and profoundly relieved. Relieved in part simply due to the clarity that she expressed in her decision, she said that at this point, as much as she misses the kids and the teachers, that she is much more interested in diving into her academics without disruption as opposed to navigating a hybrid and precarious in-person option. Y’all, I know that my 14-year-old is a bit of a unicorn in this regard. But she is driven and focused and determined to meet her academic goals.

So, home she is. Classes for the Virtual Academy begin on the 14th, a week later than the public schools, so that the kids can have a full week orienting to their platform and schedules and the functionality of their systems. I would be completely amiss if I didn’t articulate how relieved I am by her decision as well as grateful for our capacity as a family to support a fully home-centered life.

Which brings me to what the actual hell with homeschooling. Just kidding. It is not as bad as all of that. Maple and Eider are just radically different kids and where Maple is driven, Eider is often more distracted, or rather, more acutely interested in the world of video games. This is a hard one for me personally, as well as for both Chris and me as parents. Our kids didn’t have any media exposure at all for the first 7 or 8 years that we were parents. We didn’t even have an actual TV until just about 2 years ago. So, it is not exactly in context within the culture of our family to be gamers. Honestly, I kinda cringe and gag a little bit just typing out the word.

And yet and yet and yet… Who the f am I to shame him for wanting to do something he loves but that I don’t understand? So long as he is safe and also getting outside and moving his body, then what, really, is the problem? If he is kind and respectful and engaged, then I think I can probably relax my grip a bit. I know I have some personal triggers around this, but that is my shit to work with, not my kids.

Sometimes I have to take a giant step back and remember that this same little boy who loves to play video games also loves to play his violin, loves to ride his bike, and loves to play team sports. And sadly, for him and many kids like him right now, contact-based team sports are off the table along with group music opportunities. Which is a particular kind of sting when piecing together what exactly homeschooling looks like for us this year.

For Eider, homeschooling must involve a lot of engagement. Which is rough when it is mostly just mom that the kid gets to engage with. Every year I am adapting and adjusting our approach, and this year is no exception, just made rougher by the circumstances surrounding a global pandemic. To state the obvious. Additionally, I have quite a few hats on my head other than mother and homeschool mother, and our household depends in part on my capacity to keep those hats in place. So, this year, as of right now, I have devised for myself a pretty unsustainable schedule. I think it is going to work for a while and when it no longer does, which is more inevitable than usual, I will adjust. I just need to try not to disappear.

What I have done differently this year is to make more of a hierarchy of needs. Put the hats in order, so to speak. First, it’s gotta be mom. 3 kids. One is a high schooler, navigating big shit for the first time. One is a sensitive middle grader who is struggling acutely with loneliness as well as some inertia. And the third is the busiest and most danger prone adventure-seeking toddler that I have ever known. So, mom first. Then comes homeschool mom. Like I said, engagement for Eider is everything. In years past, I have set out to do a certain set of things each day/week and then move onto the rest of the day upon completion. This year, however, I am approaching it more in relation to time and purpose. So, we will take 2 separate hours on most days, 8-9am and then 10-11am, the time dedicated to exploring what we have laid out as our course of study for the year. (If you are interested in the specifics of that, I may get into it in a later post. This one is already getting quite looooong. But let me know and I’ll share the specifics.) So far I am finding that this approach of filling our time as opposed to completing a task is allowing for both of us to be much more present with what we are doing and less focused on how quickly or not we are accomplishing something. I am enjoying it so far and am safeguarding and prioritizing this time. And thankfully thankfully thankfully, Eider will be mountain biking with a group twice weekly this fall as well as hopefully returning to some iteration of his nature school one day a week. Thank. Goodness.

What this does mean though is that the third tier is my work time. I am most often working at night after I have put Wilfred to bed. Most meetings I schedule are for 7:30 pm or later. I will give up one of Eider’s homeschool hours during the week for a meeting, but only one. I will occasionally schedule a meeting during Wilfie’s afternoon nap, but I am very discriminating about that as I try to block that time out entirely for my asana practice. And it is worthwhile here to note that this is perhaps my most top of top priorities. Right now I am practicing with greater duration than I have in several years, spending 75-120 minutes a day on my mat 6 days a week, thanks in big part to the online offerings of my forever teachers Christina Sell and Darren Rhodes. I am taking advantage of this time and prioritizing this opportunity in part because I recognize how temporal it is and also it is functioning as an absolute lifeline for me right now in terms of making any of the rest of the hats even remotely wearable not to mention functioning.

This means that in addition to working at night, I also need to work on the weekends, saving this time for writing and program design and content creation. It is not ideal. It is not sustainable. But it is functional for now. I have everything in my being set on the twin tasks of being as present as possible with my people why they are in my immediate care as well as creating ever greater and greater efficiency and generative function in my work as possible.

Speaking of which… Good grief, if you made it this far, congrats. Here is the prize. A little preview of the programs/projects coming down the pike.

Practice Wellness Community has one more program this fall. Steady at hOMe. A 6-week home practice course super similar to our summer Grow hOMe offering. Lots of contact, lots of content, and lots of support for cultivating your steady and meaningful personal home practice.

I have a new offering launching this coming week called the Life of Practice CustOM Design. Here is the description for that:

Life of Practice Custom Design is an opportunity to get clear on your personal practice aim and then hash out a plan to bring you into greater alignment with that aim. Sometimes, we all find ourselves stuck in a bit of a practice rut or slump, or perhaps find attention a bit too diffuse and drifting in relationship to a personal asana and meditation practice. An outside perspective and a little objective mapping can go a long way in getting you back on track, whether you are simply longing to rekindle the connection to self that a regular and dedicated practice can afford, or you are interested in crafting a plan toward personal progress. The custom design is here to help in both capacities.

In addition to LOP CustOM, I am also putting 2 courses together that will be available on my website this fall. The first is LOP 101, a 6-week course to start your home practice and the second is Mama’s LOP, a 4-week practice program for pregnant yogis. Both of these will be prerecorded courses available anytime and at your convenience.

Information on all of these will be live on the site soon.

Thanks so much for reading all of this. Good grief. If you are ever needing to connect over the very real-life tasks of just getting it all done, I am here. It is not an easy time. I have no desire to sugar coat any of it or create some false narrative on how to make it all work in idyllic and sustainable ways. It is not currently sustainable for me right now. And honestly, the relief I feel when I simply just admit that is immense. It is good enough for now. I think my priorities are in order and I am holding close to that. As Christina says: good enough is good enough. And sometimes, that is all it needs to be.

Lots of Love.

Take good care, K?

xxx,m

...winning

The other evening, while Chris was making dinner and I was entertaining the baby, Maple asked if we could listen to Iron and Wine. We will often listen to music together as a family while we prepare meals, which is a vast energetic improvement over the news, which is also, perhaps sadly, often on in our home as well. Anyhow, it had been awhile since Iron and Wine was on the playlist and it made all of us a little wistful and sentimental- those 2 older albums in particular where they really got every song right, you know the ones? “Our Endless Numbered Days”. I mean come on. The album title says it all. I think the other is “The Shepherd’s Dog”. Bittersweet and full of tenderness co-mingled with a touch of remorse at the fast slipping away of each perfectly flawed moment. I feel a lot of that in general and these days are no exception.

But there is this one song, Fever Dream, where the line goes: “I want your flowers like babies want God’s Love, or maybe as sure as tomorrow will come.” And it has been working and working and working on me. Like, for decades… I have been contemplating a lot lately what Wilfred’s particular place in our family constellation is. A birthday will do that to a mama. And just the retrospective, as well as looking ahead, nature of it all. It is so fascinating to me because he is such a focal point for every single one of us. Which is so interesting for a family in which he was unknown, unexpected, and absent in for so long. But as Eider is always reminding us, Wilfred is “The Best”, and I think that there are several layers to that feeling which to me feel important to remember.

I really do think that it is true that loving a baby is so intoxicating because it feels so close to God’s Love. Or whatever shape your personal sense of Grace and Wonder takes. For me, I often think of it in terms of the Infinite. There is really is this overwhelming sense that loving Wilfred, and really tapping into the energy of him as he is right in this moment is as close as anything that has ever landed me into deep connection to The Infinite. It is intoxicating and mesmerizing and holy. And before you go saying, jeez Meg! what about Maple and Eider and to that I say, there is a reason that we have in almost every tradition the stories about the loss of innocence that befalls each of us. The Christian Tradition tells it to us through the story of Eve, of course. Contemporary literature- my personal preference- tells it to us in the innumerable interpretations of the coming of age trope. I think that is one of the reasons that the YA Sci-Fi genre is so completely compelling. One of my favorites is the yarn in the classic Phillip Pullman series “His Dark Materials”. Lyra Belacua and the significance of Dust…

I digress! Maple, and then Eider, taught me this love and, along with Chris, we have been students of its origin and evolution these many years.

Which is perhaps the other piece of the story that I am hoping to convey today. Chris and I celebrated 15 years of marriage this past January. And as someone who is somewhat indifferent to the institution of marriage, I am by no means indifferent to the practice of long-term, evolving and abiding love. I was recalling the other day, that Chris and I picked our wedding date- over sopapillas with warm honey butter and whiskey “in the raw”- according to the phase of the moon. I felt very certain, at the time, of the significance and auspiciousness of what moon we were married under, and that it would be in our best interest to exchange vows and yoke ourselves to one another during a waxing full moon. I wanted us to be moving toward fullness, through all of the ebbs and flows, waxings and wanings, of our lives together.

I had forgotten that lunar call. But I think within that original intention a lot about our relationship all these years later can be well understood. We have set our course to be oriented to wonder in its fullness. Even as phases come and go and we each, all five of us, continue to grow and evolve and change. I think we set a course that was oriented within the context of a desire to stay in the flow of The Infinite. As it reveals itself to us in waves and over time.

I remember once, years and years ago, Christina giving a teaching in Warrior One about alignment being a tool of understanding that: “makes the unknown, known. And in so doing, brings the infinite closer” I think that is really it for me. Especially with love. The more I let love in, but perhaps with even more potency for me, let my own LOVE out into the world in the form of my friends, and peers, and family, and babies, the closer and closer I feel in each moment, to God’s love.

The other day, one of my student’s commented that she was really enjoying the way that I was working this theme of “winning” into my teaching during this time. I had been unaware that I had… which, my friends, is completely demonstrative of why I love teaching and mentoring and this dynamic current of learning that truly flows both ways. Anyway, I have been feeling into that in all ways, assessing her assessment for myself, and I concur. It is the theme that I am working right now. In all aspects of my life. Call it gratitude or giving thanks or taking note or glass half full but I am acutely aware right now of all of the many ways in which I am winning in my life right now. Despite the anxiety and the fear and the grief and the powerlessness that I can easily overwhelm me and often does, the more that I center myself in the field of open-hearted and open-handed love, the letting go of my heart into the Infinite, the more and more winning I am.

love to you.

x,m

some milky reflections

When Maple and Eider were little, and I was still in the long stretch of my early mothering years during which I nursed, and nursed, and nursed, almost uninterrupted for six and a half years, it was hard to even imagine life after breastfeeding. I couldn’t even think about it without tearing up- hello hormones- and I was certainly never very interested in weaning either of them, except perhaps at night, which I somehow managed to do with great difficulty around 22 and 30 months respectively. So well boundaried, meg.

Fast forward seven years post nursing those two and the advent of the arrival of another nursling and I was honestly a little bit indifferent about nursing. Maybe looking forward to it in some ways but in no way under any illusion that my bond with our little was dependent upon our nursing relationship. I think what happened is that in the seven years that followed the 6+ that we nursed for I woke up to the reality of the complexity and nuance of our relationships. As much as at times I may have felt like not much more than a pair of boobs and a steady source of liquid snacks, I was always so much more to both of them and that exists both in relationship to, and completely independent from, the fact of having breastfeed them.

My nursing relationship with Wilfred is both similar and unique to what it was for his big sibs. First of all, I do not use it as a way to put him to sleep. I maybe did for a brief moment earlier on when a) I didn’t know any different, and b) he was too wee to stay awake for longer than a feeding. Maple, and Eider as well, if perhaps to a lesser degree, I had no clue how to put to sleep without nursing. In fact, I remember when Eider finally gave up naps at 3.5, it was because one day we were lying down, and he simply popped up from my breast and said: “Mama, there is no more milky.” and then got up and left the room.

Not so much like that with Wilfred. I don’t really even have a memory of the last time he fell asleep at my breast. He certainly has before, but usually it means that he is overtired and I have kept him up longer than I should have. Even when he nurses in the night- which, yes, he is still doing once, or more commonly, twice a night- when he is finished he’ll pop off and make a big backbend in an effort to hurl himself backward into his crib. Back to bed please now mom. It’s a little bittersweet if I am being honest. But I am happy for his sleep independence. I think it will serve him well. I think it already does. He is certainly my most well rested child by far.

In the early days of nursing Wilfred, those first months in which it can feel like just about all you are ever doing, I would catch myself getting completely lost in my phone. I didn’t have an Iphone when the big kids were nurslings and honestly I cannot really recall what I did when they were at my breast. Maybe I read? I mean, what were my other options? No podcasts to listen to, I didn’t know what texting was, certainly no Marco Polo… I think probably I did then what I had to make a mindful and conscious choice around doing this go round. I simply hold my baby. And breath. I focus on my presence with him. Sometimes rubbing his head or his hands or his cheek. But I had to choose it, you know? I think maybe I even read something about babies knowing if you are present with them or not when they are nursing and from that moment on I was like: that’s it. THIS is it.

I’m not sure what the projected duration is for our breastfeeding relationship. Before he was born, I think I said something along the lines of not being able to see myself going for more than 2 years with this one. Despite what I know to be true about myself as evidenced per my older two. But now, I feel open and easy about the whole thing. We can nurse as we like and as serves us both for however long.

Which perhaps is a fine place to mention, that even though these relationships have been mostly easy for me, they have never been simple, and certainly not without difficulty. At times, quite a lot. Maple was unrelenting, we were constantly nursing. So par for the course for her personality. Eider was my efficient baby. Draining me entirely at each feeding. So much so, that I would build up such a supply that I ended up with mastitis on more than one occasion. Mastitis is horrible. HORRIBLE. And with Wilfred, I have had numerous clogged ducts, some that have taken more than a day to resolve. They are uncomfortable and hot and anxiety producing for me.

It is hard to breastfeed. But like many things that come with some great gain, it is not without some requisite pain or complexity, thrusting, again, the female body forward as a vessel in service of the growth and nourishment and safety of another. It is beautiful and it is wrought and I feel lucky that I am able to participate in the relationship, for the most part, per my own choice. From fuel into fat into milk into fuel again, and then body and marrow and bone and brain. The continuum of my body and mind and heart into those of my children. It is super sacred and incredibly mundane and I hope I can continue to practice staying awake for all of it.

Wilfred WON

I have a pie crust par-baking in the oven. I had thought I’d make an almond citrus cake or maybe a zucchini bread/cake hybrid with some kind of fluffy frosting. But when I realized that we would most likely be picking high bush blueberries the very day before Wilfred’s birthday, I saw that it was always supposed to be a blueberry pie.

Last year I missed all of blueberry season in the dream state of my perfect newborn. I missed apples too. As it should be. But this year, the blueberries are on my mind and I am so thankful to fold my family into the rhythm of what is ripe for the picking in our new home and with our new child by our side.

Berry Pickers.

It was some kind of blueberry perfectionist type-a magic y’all.

I’ve never seen a baby eat so many bluebs. Wow.

helping. both.

On this day last year, I woke up after a dream-filled and weary night, post-state-swim-meet extravaganza, with the soft and subtle pop of my waters breaking. It was early and I was surprised and yet ready, all through the day, even through the ebb and flow of momentum and the hourly administering of antibiotics that made it possible for me to stay home throughout. I was ready. A little nervous for the pain but so ready to meet and hold and love our babe.

All week long, I have been looking back on the memories of that day. August 7th 2019. I have been feeling so many feelings in the recollecting of my third and final birth experience. It has been my experience that this first birthday is when everything is as fresh as it will ever be again. There is a particular portal that Wilfred and I are passing through together now that we will not move through together again. The baby becoming the child. Leaving the depths of mama’s secure and all-encompassing embrace to head more in the direction of the big, wide, world of his family and the spaces beyond just us. It is amazing and wonderful and so sad and all the rest.

It is a threshold. One of the first of the many moments of letting go that parenting is. It is such a mix, you know? I want to be, as best I can with my each of my kids, and so especially when they are very wee, in this moment right now. This moment. This moment. And this moment. And yet, parenting is also keeping your eye on the long game, with a steadfast awareness of the individual they are being called to become.

The memories that stand out from the day are strange and random and lovely. I remember when the midwives arrived I was out in the driveway looking for Jeb who had wandered off and also gathering all of the flowers I could hold for a birthing bouquet to arrange for in the house. I remember how we were watching Parenthood as a family and we were in a scramble to finish the series before it left Netflix the following month. When I was still somewhat comfortable we watched an episode or two. I was trying to focus on that during the long duration of the midwives many and alternating attempts to put in a comfortable IV port. I remember, when Wilfred finally emerged how Jen, our primary midwife- who, as a side note, I chose from afar and only was with her for about 5 weeks and as many visits before our actual birth, and who could not have been better suited to us and me at this particular point in life and through this particular birth- was just in awe of how big and squishy his lips are.

So, I am happy-sad today. In awe of my memories of carrying, birthing, and meeting Wilfred as well as the wonder of this first year of getting to know him and see how perfectly and uniquely his little being is folding into the fabric of our family. I am so lucky and grateful to have easefully nursed another baby with my own body. Turning my body into his body and holding his growing self with my arms and whole heart. These days are so precious to me and I am also thankful to know that there is life after nursing and as much as I cling to this relationship, we will both be wonderful when it comes to a close, whether it is in this coming year or the next.

I think I am mostly sad that it will just be the 5 of us to celebrate the day. I wish his gran and his auntie and other far-flung, covid-trapped, loved ones could be here to share joy and hugs and merriment with us. And, of course, pie. I want to feed everyone who loves summer, and loves a leo, and loves the magical, unpredictable, surprise of life, all of the blueberry pie that they desire. This August 7th and all the ones to come.

We are all fans.

I love you Wilfred Thistle. And I love you Eider Atticus and Maple Louise, who dreamed him into being here with us just as much, if not more, than even I. And I love you Chris Newlin for rejoicing in the gift of this great remembering with me. We are the lucky ones.